Departure Time

Today, through my email networks and other avenues, I've announced that I'm leaving my post as Area Youth Ministry Adviser for the Bradwell Episcopal Area and Basildon Deanery at the end of July.
You may have come to this extended post via social media or have read my more formal announcement elsewhere and clicked through. Either way, you're very welcome!

In case you haven't seen it already, this is the 'formal' announcement that has gone out to my Crucible mailing list and to other groups of colleagues:

An Announcement

I’m writing this morning to let you know that I'll be leaving my role as Area Youth Ministry Adviser at the end of July.  After nine years in this privileged role and in this great Diocese, it’s time to move into some fresh challenges whilst also focusing more on family and local priorities.

I am incredibly blessed to have worked with so many inspiring people in that time - namely YOU!! but also Bishop Laurie and Bishop John, the wider Area Team and my Youth Adviser colleagues Ray Gibbs, Andy Poultney and Rachel Brett as well as youth officers across the country. It has been my privilege to serve such incredibly faithful, committed and passionate youth workers, clergy and leaders across Essex and East London, all looking to see young people flourish and grow in our churches and wider communities. 

I’ve worked full time for the last fifteen years, with two brief breaks to have our children, now eight and three. As our youngest begins pre-reception in September and full time school in 2016, it's become clear that God is leading us towards a change of gear for this next academic year,  affording me the opportunity to change the speed setting and to further invest in our family life and local mission.

Yet my calling and passion for youth work will not cease! This is a deep calling for me, first acknowledged in the early months after coming to faith. So I’ll continue leading youth work locally in Basildon and our Falcon Camp in Tollesbury each summer, as well as exploring a variety of freelance possibilities and partnerships, ranging from coaching, leadership development, training and retreats.

There have been many highlights and unforgettable moments – recently, the Celebration of Youth Ministry and the launch of the Authorisation scheme have been big projects with moments of great joy. Developing the Encounter: Young Leaders programme has been amazing, journeying with young adults full of such potential. The Deanery Youth Champions Network across the Diocese has enabled huge growth in the profile of Youth Ministry. But amongst all those key projects and initiatives, important as they are, the greatest joy is the day to day parish support of youth workers and clergy; the mentoring of leaders; the monthly Hub gatherings; the regular youth group visits and the training sessions which are the bread and butter of the role. In these I'm reminded that youth ministry is about community and friendship amongst all ages - being significant adults to young people is a privilege and in this privileged position, we are afforded a glimpse of the fullness of the kingdom which we look towards.

"1 Timothy 4: 12 Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young but be an example to the believers in your speech, your life, your love, your faith and your purity."

There will be further updates as time unfolds so keep an eye out for future Crucible editions (sign up here http://eepurl.com/RSb1 if you don't receive already.)
I sincerely hope that I'll be able to catch up with many of you in these next three months of transition. 

Andy and I, along with Matilda and Isaac hugely value your prayers and support as we step forward in trust and thankfulness.

_______________________________________________________________

Nine years in any one place, job or role is a long time and many of you reading this will be both co-workers and friends. Whilst it won't interest everyone (!) I thought it might be helpful to unpack a little more of the process of decision making and some personal thoughts at this stage - for those who are interested and for those who have journeyed with me/us and want to know a bit more. As always with these type of announcements, you can't always tell people personally in the right order - so hopefully this will serve to give some more detail and answer some questions about the what next for us and for the role I leave.

Unusually for me, this is certainly not, at this stage, a well formed plan! Our priorities in making this decision have been about recognising what is best for family life, sustaining sanity as well as acknowledging where my call to youth work and church leadership fits in to the new world of a curacy family. 

At this point, all I'm certain of, in this initial academic year, is that my time will be spent primarily with Isaac who is 3.5 years and starts pre-Reception for 3 hours a day in September. Alongside that and as appropriate, I'm looking to develop a number of possible avenues in a self employed capacity. I've recently completed my training with 3dm Europe in leading online Coaching Huddles and I'll be exploring some avenues into delivering training and leading retreats as well as volunteering with charities whom I presently serve in other ways. Through all that, I'm open to what God presents in this path within the parameters we've set for the family. It allows for flexibility and being able to say both yes and no to whatever may be offered in terms of future work.  I will need to earn some money at some point, but all in good time!

For me, this shift is a progression which makes sense in this season. It's a shift we've considered at a number of junctions over the last 9 years - when Andy began discerning ordination; when he was selected and training; when I had Isaac and was considering my return to work; and most recently as we considered the curacy offered to us in Basildon where we are now. 
The stability and income of my role is not as crucial now that Andy is ordained. That offers different choices to us and the restlessness I've felt for about a year, particularly around God's call to us to be embedded locally, feels resolved in choosing this 'extended sabbatical'.  Along the way, when I previously considered moving on, other events took over - Andy Poultney's appointment to Young Vocations Champion meant that it was not timely for me to go as well - and I wasn't ready to go either! Various projects within my job description kept momentum going too - all the changes with SOLID, the new Authorisation scheme, Deanery Youth Champions, training commitments, all the good stuff, involving brilliant people, which makes this role so varied and fulfilling. Again, as a family, the stability of my role in the midst of moving house, new church, settling children into schools etc. was very important. Sometimes, it is better to continue doing what you've always done when everything else seems to be rapidly changing and because I love my job and enjoy (nearly) every aspect of it, it wasn't a hard choice to stay at all!

But in a number of ways, it has been confirmed to us that now is the time for me to move on. This being the last year with Isaac before school kicks in has been a big factor, as well as recognising how hard it is for two parents to both be in full time, anti social hours, ministry focused roles in a paid capacity. I'd love to be the one who is able to say 'we managed it!' but the effect on the children, on our marriage and on our sanity is not worth it. It would really be 'just managing' rather than being the fullness of what God has for us. Our priority as parents is to one another and the children - and our commitment in covenant to the Order of Mission has also helped us to process what our vows of 'simplicity, purity and accountability' really mean in this context.
The reality is that, in a year's time, with two children in full time school, the season shifts again. But for now, this season is to be invested in, enjoyed, cherished and offers a foundation for the way we now do family life as we see the ways that God is shaping us and go with that. 

I'm leaving my current job, but I'm in no way leaving youth work or ministry! From the day I came to faith, I've always been involved in youth and children's ministry of some sort or another. During my year out ('96-'97!) when I was discerning the next steps and whether to continue with the plan for University, I sensed a very clear call to youth work as a full time ministry, through a sermon at my home church and confirmation through a letter from a spiritual mentor. It's also given me an expectation - I know what it is to hear God's call and until He says otherwise, I'll stick with it! Alongside that, I'm passionate about enabling longevity in youth ministry in others - having been so fortunate in all my employment to have great supervision, line management, stability and support I want to make sure that is available for others. Sadly, youth work is often the cinderella ministry in our churches and amazingly gifted and servant hearted, creative individuals move on all too soon, because the money runs out, they have damaged with ill treatment or because of unrealistic expectations. I wonder where that passion will take me in the future, but it certainly hasn't gone and I'll be praying about how I can continue to support youth workers without treading on future toes! 

So, as I'm writing this post I'm feeling such a mix of emotions. Looking back on the 27 year old Alice who moved from Newcastle upon Tyne to Essex back in 2006, I am amazed by how much I've learnt, how many people I've met and friends I've made and how far we as a family have come. I have had 2 Bishops for bosses, 4 Area Deans as supervisors, lived in 4 different houses and gone through 4 different cars (and probably done, I reckon, about 7000+ miles a year!), worked with 3 brilliant Youth Advisers plus the wider DYO Network and lost count of the amount of youth workers who have come and gone and stayed (I intend to work out how many before the end of July!)
Obviously, I'm sad to be going and will hugely miss my Youth Advisory Team colleagues and the many friends I have made across the Area and Diocese and beyond. But friendships endure and I'm looking forward to remaining in touch and continuing to support from the wings and in different ways.
Bishop John has already confirmed that he will be seeking to reappoint a Youth Adviser as soon as possible so watch this space for more information about the recruitment process.

It would be dishonest for me to say I'm not daunted by the 'what next'! I'm hugely excited about what might happen but I'm definitely battling my need for plans and fixed structure and going with the flow! I'm looking forward to space, but worried I'll be bored! Above all, I know God is faithful, his promises are good and he's holding out a new and exciting challenge. I've just got to follow.

One Life Conference with Young Leaders programme

National TakeOver Day with Bishop John

Bishop John visits The Hub

Colossians 3:13-17: Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Thanks for getting this far - and for being part of the journey. See you soon.

Pulse 

An unusual working day...

I've just completed a very unusual working day for me. I have sat in one room, from the moment I started work at 9.15am this morning through til 4pm when I left to pick up Isaac. Within that, I have had a couple of trips to the loo, a walk to the kitchen to fill up the kettle and a wander outside for 10minutes while I ate my sandwich. But other than that, I have worked on one project for the majority of the day and it feels very, very odd.

Tomorrow I'm spending the day with my colleagues Rachel and Andy. We schedule in an Away Day once a term, to give some focus to our tasks and to tackle bigger projects more strategically with more prayer and with more time. Tomorrow is an extra as we're doing some comparative review work on our roles to enable us to make sense of how Youth Advisers work in this Diocese. The new Transforming Presence agenda of strategic priorities for our Diocese has initiated this work as well as some succession planning, but that's not really the point of this post. 

I knew that putting my work - projects, networks, responsibilities, youth workers, churches, programmes, relationships - into an easily usuable format was bound to be a tricky task. But it has taken me a lot longer and been more arduous than I expected. But I have enjoyed it...

My usual day is most likely to contain 3 or 4 different events; meetings, 1:1 sessions, desk time, car journeys, phone conversations, visits to parishes or projects, research, email catch up etc. I enjoy the variety and flexibility that my job brings and allows, but I almost always feel that I never have the time to do anything in as full a way as I would like. Carving out today for just one task was such a new experience and in many ways I enjoyed the focus it brought. I didn't have to watch the clock as much and I was able to listen to music and some podcasts to help me think a bit too. 

As an ESFJ working in isolation is not my preference. But I have learnt that there is something very necessary in deliberately 

working in your shadow self. Andy was encouraged to do it when he was going through the discernment journey 

before ordination selection. He's an ENTP. As Extroverts, spending time alone is not our preference - which doesn't mean that 

it doesn't do us good or get the best out of us. It's just a little harder but in small doses, very enjoyable and productive. 

So, what is God saying through today? I know that I need to invest more time in reading, reflecting and 

researching, making space to do my work as well as possible within the boundaries of family, church, marriage 

etc.  I also need to acknowledge that my workload at present is unsustainable - God spoke very powerfully to me, 

just as I was sitting listening to some worship music, about how much I worry and that I don't need to. 

Simple eh? 

It's good to be home, with a clear evening ahead. Andy is at a stag do and I shall have some time out from 

structured work and get an early night too. 

4 months in...

Tomorrow is Isaac's 4 month birthday...

I haven't made it to church today because of the snow...and as I've pottered around at home, feeding Button, chatting to Bean, tidying and such like...I've been thinking about how far we've come.
I've blogged before about how things didn't quite turn out as we expected (here) with the birth and the early days and while there is an unquencable joy now that Isaac is here and we feel complete as a family, it has definitely taken it's toll, physically, emotionally, spiritually. 
Being poorly over the last few weeks has given me lots of time at home...good in one sense, unhelpful too. I have a positive attitude to my days sometimes, usually at the end of a day I feel I've 'wasted', but often by the next morning I get taken over with the magnitude of the difficulties of getting out the house, looking presentable and so convince myself to do nothing, stay in, hibernate. Unhealthy yes, avoidable yes - but can I bothered to fight that feeling? At the moment, no I can't. 
Isaac takes a lot out of me - he feeds 'aggressively', usually emptying me in 10-15 minutes and he feeds 7 times a day. He sleeps though, naps in the day usually morning and afternoon and that is such a blessing. We've just started dropping the dream feed at 10.30pm to see if he can go through from 7-7 and he's managed it, almost! He's such a chilled out baby, full of smiles and 'almost' laughing - I'm very lucky but I do think that the initial (and to some extent, ongoing) concerns about his weight have dented my confidence and ramped up the protective urges so that I'd rather stick with the safe and the comfortable.
As an Extrovert (ESFJ to be precise) it's intrigued me that I have so easily moved into a very introverted place where people actually tire me out. I have very rarely had that before and it's a bit upsetting. I know much of that is down to hormones and the huge rate of change we have experienced over the past few months...but it's none the less weird. I've been to a couple of baby groups in the last few weeks, but mostly they seem to have mums with only 1 child and so there's a different feel to the conversation. New, first time mums are anxious, understandably and I find it rubbing off on me. The upshot is that I haven't found going to those groups enjoyable so far. I am sure that will change but until it does I'm not going to force myself into that situation when I do have other people who are established friends, some with babies, some not and with whom I am much more relaxed. 
The question for me, and I know for others who are watching out for me is "how long is it OK to go on feeling low"? Post Natal depression is a factor to consider...it looks so different in each person and I am wise to it..I know that I could do so much more to help myself, but I'm choosing not to, at the moment. We had a great day out in London last week to see my new boss Bishop consecrated but it exhausted me. A recent blip in relationship with some close friends has forced me to recognise that I don't currently have access to 100% of my emotional resources...and so incidents or unexpected issues knock me down much quicker than they used to. My juggling capacity is diminished and yet I know it will return. 

Being at home, not feeling myself and all that has also been a real challenge to my faith too...we're embarking on a life which is going to see us moving from church to church over the next few years and although I know we will make friends, connect with people, grow in community, meet with People of Peace it's a very daunting prospect. For now, I believe God is speaking to me about establishing a strong family of faith, growing in prayer and worship in our own home and using our home as a space to welcome others and forge friendships in an 'extended family'. It's been a challenge up until now because of me not feeling up to regular hospitality...and frustratingly, the snow today has forced us to cancel a lunch with another family from church. 
For us, the Order of Mission is very important in keeping connected, vulnerable, accountable and safe as we walk this journey in full time Christian ministry, with a role and expectations. To be connected to a Covenant Community who share the same Rule of Life, language and missional focus is a reality check in times when things are scrambled and don't make sense. 
The Order of Mission is a place of challenge and I'm really grateful to those in that community who, even in my slightly fragile state at the moment, seek to help us through accountability and those tough questions. 
So, 4 months in, lots has changed and I feel I am being moulded and reformed into quite a new creation - again! As a full time mummy, I get such a kick from the smallest things; when I was working it always seemed to be about bigger, better, more successful. But the mundaneness of being focused solely at home is starting to push my buttons in an unhelpful way and I'm praying for strength to gather myself together and face each day with renewed vision. 
Isaiah 40:31 from the Message is the foundation I am standing on:
Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, 
   or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me. 
   He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts. 
   He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. 
   And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired, 
   gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out, 
   young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. 
   They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,    they walk and don't lag behind. 

all will be well and all will be well

and we are all well - despite the total silence for 3 months! Blimey!

There has been a reason - and one which we're only just able to go public with:

Just a little while after my last post on our membership of the Order of Mission we discovered we were pregnant again - and after last year's sadness have kept it quiet until the all important 12 (or in our case, 13) week scan. 

Added to that the waves of nausea, complete tiredness and inability to concentrate and screen time was something I kept to a bare minimum for work purposes!

But we are pregnant, everything is going well and we're starting think positive about this new arrival - currently named Baby Squid. (M was Little Prawn because of a description in a pregnancy book about what she looked like at 8 weeks when we found out she was coming, so we're continuing the seafood theme!)

Other events in the last 3 months:

Andy went skiing with 4 mates to France for his 30th birthday:

I went to Scarborough for a few days to catch up with friends and family:

I have been away a fair bit with work which has been interesting and exhausting in equal measure. Our house is on the market, with only 2 viewings so far. Andy has got through his sponsorship interview and is now confirmed on a selection conference (BAP) in May. Matilda has been assigned her school place in Maldon for September, even though we hope we'll be in Billericay by then...

We now have a group of 10 young people in our youth group each week which we run jointly with the URC and we hope to join with the Methodists too in the Autumn when we move on. 

Our nephew Freddie is now 8 months old:

and we're due another niece or nephew in August, courtesy of Ian (Andy's brother) and Ange in Scarborough:

We just got back from a weekend in Sherwood Forest with the RB's and are thinking about getting a camper van. We also booked our summer holiday to the Yorkshire Dales and M and Andy are going to Greenbelt at the end of August...so much fun is planned!

Hmm, not much else to report without going back eons...I'll try and be better in future but obviously, won't be promising anything too grand!!

M at rehearsel for her dance show...cute!

Due Date

Today we are marking a date that is both painful and a significant milestone.


Back in February 2010, when we had got used to the positive pregnancy test and were beginning to plan for baby number 2, our doctor gave us an expected due date of October 6th.


All parents or those who are pregnant and over-due will know that a due date means nothing really, but for us, after the shock of being told we were expecting twins and then the pain of losing them 3 weeks later, this is the only date we have ever had to mark what could have been. We know that having twins would probably have meant they could have come any time in September...but October 6th still holds significance and has loomed large in these last few days.


We're marking today in our own way, thinking and crying and talking together. We also launched a new youth group in our home this evening which sits as a potent sign that life and new seasons continue and we must choose to join in with the journey.

But there have been some things which have comforted me and I'd like to share them with you. 


Firstly a poem, well known I guess but beautiful and potent and full of hope:

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day.

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

Christina Rossetti

I have also been challenged and comforted by the example of Hannah in the Bible. Hannah focused her attention onto God in her pain and her loss and her barrenness and silently in her heart, praying only with her lips and not with any words.  (1 Samuel 1)

The prognosis on us before we had Matilda was of barrenness, and by a miracle we conceived naturally and have a wonderful little girl, nearly 4. WOW. 

We conceived naturally a second time and despite the loss of our twins, we know that God has blessed us through this experience and given us grace in our weakness and provision in our desperation. 

So, through all of this, I want to pray as Hannah prayed:

My heart rejoices in the Lord

My strength is exalted in the Lord

I smile at my enemies

Because I rejoice in your salvation.

And I stand on the promise of 1 Corinthians 15 - "the dead will be raised incorruptible and we shall be changed. O Death, where is your Victory?"

Death does not have the victory in our lives or in our home. We miss and love our babies that we never got to meet or hold, but we know that there is a sure and certain hope of seeing them again. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ( as Doug Horley would sing!!) 

Thanks for your prayers, your friendship and your love to us over these months. Reaching this due date is a milestone, a stake in the ground and we move on from here with a deep breath and a sense that God is in control. He has made us more aware of his presence through our grief. Thank you God for all your goodness and faitfulness. 

Heading to TN and retelling the story

In just over a week, I'll be hopping on a plane and making my way out to south eastern United States for a little break. You may have read on this blog about our loss earlier in the year and our journey since then and this is part of the healing process.
Around now we would have been reaching the end of a twin pregnancy if all had gone to plan. It's difficult to know when the date would have been as twins are even more unpredictable, but it would have almost certainly been sometime in September. Back in the aftermath of the miscarriage, we realised that 2010 was looking very empty without this event to mark a stake in the ground and so we made the decision to look for positive, memory making experiences so that September 2010 wouldn't always be about loss, sadness and miscarriage.

Andy and I this summer...he's pretty cool

Thanks to Mr Tesco Clubcard points, converted into Airmiles, I am flying out to Atlanta GA where I'll be picked up by Emily and Jack to have a week with them and their new, month old daughter Madeleine. Can't honestly remember if I've told the Jack story on here, but I'll tell it again anyway!

Back in 2004 we were having some work done on our house in Gateshead. As it was roof work, very messy and dusty, we went off to New Wine festival for a week leaving the workmen to get the job done. It was a wet week, plenty of rain in Somerset for the festival and the same in the North East. On our return to our house, we unlocked the front door and were faced with a smell I can only describe as rotting. All the way down our stairs, directly in front of us was black sludge and the walls had black wet patches all down them.
We were in complete shock - and it transpired in the following few hours that our builder had left the roof uncovered on a night of thunderstorms and huge amounts of rain and we had been flooded from top to bottom...
Fast forward a couple of weeks - we'd moved out cos the house was uninhabitable, the insurance company were assessing the damage and the dehumidifiers were doing their best to dry out the house. Living with Andy's godparents near Durham, we started to lick our wounds and the implications of the flood were sinking in. It was pretty depressing. I had compassionate leave from work, Andy eventually suffered anxiety bouts which left him deflated and struggling to engage with people at all. In the midst of this, in early September we were invited to lunch with Andy's other godparents and their new Methodist minister...well, free meal we thought and a change of scene...
And there we met Jack King, newly arrived from the States, Tennessee to be precise and over for a year as part of his seminary training. He was the same age as me (26 at the time), living in the Manse or Vicarage and getting to know not only the church but also the North East culture and language and food!
We had a great year, lots of fun times, meals out, trips to the beach and theatre and just general hanging out and connecting with this great man of God who was just wanting to make the best of every opportunity. Jack and Andy especially bonded and Jack was introduced to the extended Smith clan on their many visits as well as to my folks.
On 7th May 2005, at our combined housewarming/27th birthday party, Jack blessed our newly refurbished, redecorated home after 6 months of work, renovations and living elsewhere. It felt like a coming home in so many ways and that evening was one of the most significant and memorable of my life.
After a year, Jack returned to Tennessee, to a job in Knoxville at the Methodist Church there and we kept in touch as much as we could. Just after his arrival home, Hurrican Katrina struck and he was involved in huge amounts of ministry and outreach to displaced people from New Orleans.
Jack met Emily on his return to Knoxville and they married on 7.7.2007 - we weren't able to go, Matilda was only small and money was not so forthcoming with just a few months notice. But we did visit for 10 days in August 2008 with Matilda who was then 18 months. Meeting Emily was nerve wracking - what would she be like, would she like us? But it's fair to say that she and I had a soul connection, something God given and truly special came about in those 10 days and it was with many tears and sadness that we left to come home at the end of our trip...we promised to return again for Andy's 30th birthday in 2011 which we still plan to do.
But with the events of this year and the sadness and loss and rebuilding we have been doing, I needed something exciting and unique to to focus on. Soon after the miscarriage, while I was convalescing at home, Andy asked me what would make me feel better or I would look forward to doing. I didn't have to think long before I said "I'd like to travel on my own"...Andy's following question was "Where to?" and I knew I'd want to go and see Emily. I have many wonderful friends and family, more than a girl deserves. But there is something unique about a friend at long distance, who it isn't so easy to see or contact, where time zones mean we're asleep when they're awake and lives go at a different pace.
Google Chat has been a life saver as Emily and I have kept in touch and worked through many feelings and emotions. She took time out of lectures to chat with me online, rang when she should have been sleeping and enabled me to see beyond my immediate situation and gave me hope for the future.
I feel very blessed at her willingness to give up some of her precious time with her new baby to spend with me next week. I am amazed and in awe of a God who has allowed me to follow and share in such a dear friends' pregnancy and have loved that journey, in spite of the pain we have also found in it. Pain is not always bad, it is refining and forms us in a way which is more precious as a result. I have no doubt that it would have been easier to stick only with friends who haven't been pregnant, but in Emily and in my sister, I have people whose preciousness to me and whose understanding of me have enabled me to cope with pregnancy close at hand. It was with huge elation that we stalked Facebook and waited on emails for news of Emily's labour and we rejoiced at the birth of Madeleine Clara King on 19th August, followed by the birth of our nephew, Frederick Peter Lane on 24th August.

Freddie

Madeleine

There are a mix of emotions right now - I am SUPER excited and cannot wait to get off that plane in Atlanta and see Emily and Jack and kiss that baby's head. I am also desperate for switch off time...being disconnected will be so good for me and I am going to try and be disciplined about staying off facebook and just keeping in touch with home. But my Love Language is acts of service and I want to bless Jack and Emily and Madeleine with my time there and hope I can be useful in getting them settled in their new home (they moved 10 days after Madeleine was born!), and doing what I do best - feeding people! I am nervous about being away from home - missing Andy and Matilda and having these experiences without them will be weird. This is a situation where I'm not sure of how I will feel...and I'm not good with the unknown or the unplanned. But God has been teaching me so much about letting him take control - and miscarriage in a way is the ultimate lack of control. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. I don't understand that, but that's the way it is. And I must leave that with the Lord, who has plans to prosper me and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future and my hope and my future lies in my wonderful, faithful, loving husband and my clever, inquisitive and hilarious daughter. Only God knows what our family will look like in 2, 5, 10 years but I am content and thankful for all I have and all I have been through...strange as that may sound.
Who knows what these 6 days away will bring. I am open to whatever God wants to do in me and I shall be surprised I am sure. And I'd appreciate your prayers (Jack and Emily may do too!)

Great Notley fun and photos...

Chilling out in the sun...

Building the kite (99p!)

It did fly, eventually!

Hammock.....

These kids just love each other so much...

Pilgrimage - Sheffield 7-10 June 2010

I've been away this week, at the Pilgrimage event in Sheffield. It's been all about applying and developing my learning and understanding of LifeShapes as our rule of life through The Order of Mission and as I use it in youth ministry across the Diocese.
It's been a challenging, inspiring, heartening and frustrating week - all of these things at different times and in different ways.
As at the end of last years' event - I've come away knowing my life won't be the same again and aware that I have met with God in a fresh place and new way.
I've been posting daily notes and reflections over on my more 'work' blog so if you'd like to see how each day panned out - take a hop over to funkydoo.

Each individual post is here:
Day One Monday
Day Two Tuesday
Day Three Wednesday

I'm still working on Thursday's summary and will also expand a bit further on some of the Kingdom and Covenant teaching from Mike Breen which deserves it's own post. But now I need to be with my daughter and try and do some catch up work too!

calm chaos

Today has been a day when despite nothing really working out as I thought it would, there has been an air of peace and loveliness all around...can't explain it.


I was working this morning and spent some time with a lovely youthworker that I 'support' in a way which I get more out of than I am sure she does! After a bit of sorting in the office, I went to get M from nursery. 
We took ages to leave, she was faffing in the car and chatting and wanting to show me her empty lunchbox to prove she had eaten all her lunch as she had promised she would.
We wandered, dawdled and pottered round the supermarket - I only needed flour and in the wine aisle, as I was perusing the reduced rose - M decided she wanted a drink...a pink one, like I had just put in the trolley....hmmph.


Tantrum slightly averted (or delayed) we headed home. I had a cuppa, M had a chill on the sofa with a bit of CBeebies and gave me a running commentary of Justin on 'Something Special' and his makaton signs up Snowdon (in any other context, that sentence would be ridiculous!)


And in a bizarre hour, around 4pm, M went to sleep, I received 7 phone calls, managed to pay off my credit card online in the meantime.Also dusted and tidied the clutter downstairs (onto the stairs, where it now remains..!) and set about doing some baking and prepping dinner...and I blogged too on www.alisssmith.typepad.com . Strictly speaking, none of that should have been possible - I didn't have enough hands, minutes or brain cells to have got all that to happen so conveniently. But it did.

And I feel quite content and calm...a very nice feeling!


Time for a cuppa, a chocolate cup cake and the Election Debate...

an inappropriate word to describe...

what has happened in these last weeks - miscarriage.

I'm sure I'm not the only woman, person, parent who has a problem with the word: miscarriage.


I've hesitated and wondered and worried about posting this and even as I write, I have scheduled this only as a draft post, so it may never see the light of day. Also as I start to write these early sentences, it's only 10 days since we found out we'd lost our babies - twins, conceived naturally, as was our daughter 3.5 years ago, against all the odds and prognosis of IVF and infertility.

However, writing something down in any form seems to be the only thing which is helping to make sense of anything and as I search online and in my 'pregnancy' books (oh the irony) for snippets of wisdom and hope, the emotions I feel are just not captured fully by anyone else. That's kind of obvious to say but none the less true.

We found out in early February that I was pregnant and it was early on in the pregnancy too as we'd already been having investigations as part of our attempts to get pregnant over the previous 11 months. The weeks trickled on by and I began to know I was pregnant as well as just relying on the little blue cross on the special wee stick...tiredness, sickness, hormones all over the place and skittish, clumsy and emotional with it. 
In the half term week I went away with the Bean to my mum's, leaving Andy decorating at home with my dad. During that week, M had a bad night, up and down with nightmares and what looked like a temperature and it was during one of these visits in the night that I made a loo stop and noticed a smear...nothing more than that on the loo paper. Fresh, bright blood, not in any quantity but none the less there.
If I hadn’t glanced down at the paper, I wouldn’t have known. I was 6 or 7 weeks along. There had been no problems before this. It was my second pregnancy. I knew that strange fluids and sensations were the order of the day. Who goes to the doctor because of a smudge she can barely see?
As I crawled back into bed on my own in the spare room bed at my parent's home, what used to be my bedroom as a child and teenager, my hand was instinctively and constantly on the small left over baby-bulge from my first pregnancy. Lying there, my praying in tongues gift (discovered during a terrible emergency landing in JFK airport in New York 11 years ago) came into full force again and I gabbled away in prayer, not really knowing what I was saying but emotions of fear, disappointment, worry and some small sense of hope rattled through my mind.
The following morning, speaking to NHS direct my mind was put to rest - I had no pain, no temperature, no excess bleeding so they weren't worried. I tried not to be too and instead was proactive and went to my doc's on returning home and they referred me to the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) for a scan on the Monday.
The scan showed a pregnancy sac, no heartbeat as it was too early but everything they expected to see was there. 
Fear and trepidation were suddenly not so all encompassing, but we still didn't have anything concrete to pin our hopes on. What if the heart never started beating, what if the bleeding began again? What if...
And so we waited - and the next 2 weeks were some of the longest of our lives. I took a week off and rested...I knew that nothing I could do would make any difference to the eventual outcome but I was due to be away from home for 2 nights and I didn't want to be elsewhere should something happen. 
2 weeks on and we turned up for our next scan at the EPU - feeling more hopeful and yet still terribly scared. We were pretty certain that nothing else untoward had happened in those 2 weeks to make us concerned and yet we also knew so many people who had thought everything was fine and had been told bad news.

So in we went, out came the cold, cold gel on my tummy and 30 minutes later, the scanner eventually spoke to us...honestly, she had said nothing for all that time. We were lying/sitting there thinking 'what the heck is going on'. And she turns the screen to us and says "So, it's a twin pregnancy..." - like we already knew!

We spent the next 2 weeks coming to terms with this mammoth sentence of only 5 words....the implications were huge. We would be going from a family of 3 to 5 within a few months. We had plans for Andy to seek ordination and that suddenly seemed crazy and scary. I realised I was unlikely to be able to return to work and had to get my head round being an at home mum, full time...which I have never been before, apart from Bean's first 4 months. I was going to be HUGE...I worried about what this pregnancy would do to my body - a body that hadn't really recovered, weight wise from just having one baby 3 years ago! We worried about money, we got excited about dressing them the same (or different)...would they be boy and girl or two the same? Having to think of 2 names was daunting but fun. The excitement of being pregnant and due just a few weeks after my sister and the reality that we would be giving birth to cousins who would be as close as siblings was an incredibly special experience. Our lives and the lives of all our family and our closest friends, for a brief few weeks, took a turn that we had never imagined and it developed in us a huge dependence on God, cos we didn't know what on earth we were going to do, and we also gained an understanding of the omnipotent plan and timing of our Father.

15th March 2010 and I was off on a work trip up North, just a night away. Once again, I got up to the loo in the middle of the night and found a streak of blood. Once again, my mind was put at rest by NHS direct and it was suggested we phoned the EPU on my return home. The EPU slotted us in on the Thursday and nothing else had happened so I contemplated going on my own. Like last time, I thought they would reassure us by saying...as we had grown accustomed to...'oh, these things happen with twins'.
Initially, it became apparent that only one twin was still in evidence. We had read about vanishing twin syndrome,  meaning that one of our babies had not developed beyond the initial embryo sac stage although there had been a heartbeat. It is then absorbed into the remaining twin. The sonographer then went to get a colleague, saying she wished to get a second opinion and I was asked to empty my bladder. When I returned to the room, it was just Andy and I and we could see on the ultrasound screen a brief screen shot of the one embryo sac remaining, very clear and obvious. This was the last time I looked at the screen. After this, I had an internal ultrasound conducted by the second sonographer and part way through the scan the first sonographer put her hand on my knee. I knew then that things were not good. The words spoken were "my colleague agrees with me that there is also no heartbeat here". A slightly longer sentence than the news at our previous scan...and devastating with their finality. The roller-coaster which had been twisting and turning and making us both feel queasy and off the rails over the last few weeks came to a sudden and shuddering halt.
Both of us broke down - left alone by the professionals we looked at each other wordlessly. I was given a glass of water and helped off the bed and then we realised we would have to gather ourselves as scans needed to continue in the room we were in.
Only 2 weeks before we had left the scan room with wide grins and slightly hysterical laughter on our faces. Now we struggled to gain composure or even walk properly. We were ushered to an examination room next door and spent the next 2 hours being counselled in our options, signing various bits of paper, taking it in turns to cry and sorting out a pick up from nursery for the Bean who had no idea of what was going on.
We opted for an ERPC on the Monday (this was Thursday) and so had 4 days to wait through. The procedure was recommended for a twin pregnancy and had a quicker recovery time which, with a 3 year old at home was important to us. I had bloods done, sitting next to a heavily pregnant lady who was waiting for doubtless more exciting tests and then we went home....
The Monday of the procedure was a day I don't really wish to remember in great detail. The procedure happened, we came home a few hours later to my mum who had come to help out with looking after us all. And I set about, we set about, recovering physically and emotionally from all that happened.

I’m sure I’m not the only woman out there who has a problem with the word miscarriage. It sounds like a mistake I made: Whoopsie, I dropped the baby. I was carrying them all wrong. Forgive me. But what are the alternatives? “I lost the baby”? How bad a mother do you have to be to misplace a baby who’s inside you? “The baby died” is a little too direct for most people. There are feelings of guilt - what could I have done differently? Feelings of disappointment at the loss of all the things we had hoped and planned for which now would not be. Overall, the sadness was all encompassing, almost feeling as though I had flu and belly sickness all in one go.
At the moment I found out I had miscarried time itself split into two paths. The timeline we were supposed to follow veered one way, and I went in the other, ridiculous direction, this road down which we wouldn't be having twins in September 2010. Two roads diverged, and I took the one I didn’t want to travel, because the other had a road closed sign across it.

And so now, as I conclude this post, we are 5 weeks on from the ERPC and we're slowly gaining a level footing. The roller-coaster stopping so quickly left us jarred and shaky. I felt as though I had flu for about 2 weeks once the effects of the general anaesthetic had worn off. Then I went from manic busyness trying to keep focused on anything other than....you know what. Then I went through a stage of not wanting to see anyone so going out became a minefield. But each of those emotions and reactions has run their course...and we're on an even keel now, give or take the odd moment of contemplation, tears or anger. Getting back into routine this week after the Easter break has helped us to feel more normal and settled into this new form of life. Life as we know it now will always include the fact that we are a family of 5 in our hearts. My dad had taken to calling them the Ginger Twins - and that is how I address them in my own mind. We donated to and placed a message on a memorial with the Miscarriage Association calling them the Ginger Twins. It felt right to give them a characteristic - but unlike others we know we haven't named them. We'll be buying some fruit trees in pots soon which will be a permanent reminder of our babies and offer something positive and lasting and something we can take with us wherever we go in the future.

There are things that have amazed me about our journey thus far. I'm amazed by the number of people who have had the same experience - some a short time ago, others many many years in the past. We've had cards and gifts and flowers and food from precious, special people who have come and been led by us and what we need. The church, the community of believers have comforted and held us in many different ways. That has been such a blessing. I have been amazed by how M has dealt with it all as she was quite aware that Mummy had a baby in her tummy and now she hasn't. But she is hopeful and tells me often that there will be a baby there again soon. She hopes for me when I cannot hope on my own and gives me strength and a sense of perspective. I have so much to be grateful for.
And last week I met an old friend at a funeral of another dear friend. It was terrible circumstances but a wonderful chance to share together. And she told me she has suffered a miscarriage too and had found the journey painful but forming in so many ways. In the week that followed, we exchanged texts, she sent me some Scripture from 2 Samuel 12:22-23 and yesterday a book arrived in the post which I have read from cover to cover and which has inspired me to finish this post and have the courage to publish it.

Jesse - Found in Heaven
This book has much great wisdom in it, some theology which I'm still grappling with. The gem within it though, which has inspired me today was the number of women quoted in the book who had held the pain and the sadness of their baby loss inside them for so long. The author herself did not tell her story for many years and the book has seemingly broken open for her readers and those who hear her speak the release they have been searching for or are unaware they needed.
Some people have said to us - is it difficult that people know what's going on for you? But really, everyone who knows our loss and our circumstances has blessed and comforted and allowed us to heal and grieve honestly. I know what it is to hold pain within you and share it with no-one and eventually it bubbles up, surrounds you in an uncontrollable way and causes as much pain in that resurgence as it did originally.
So, we offer our story, as it is at the moment as a part of the bigger story that we know God has in store for our lives. We are broken and fragile, blessed and hopeful, stunned and still smiling. Miscarriage is a strange word - but that is what we've been through. We have lost more than our babies but we know that we are different people now to what we were 6 weeks ago and we're excited about what that might mean for our marriage, our family and our purpose and plan in God. God knows what he's doing.
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/
http://home.mend.org/

Coast to Coast bike ride....not me!!

Andy and 3 others are setting off on an epic (?) bike ride on Thursday, from West to East Coast of England along the historical and in some places actual position of Hadrians' Wall. 
http://www.cycle-routes.org/HADRIANSCYCLEWAY/ So we've been packing and sorting and securing bikes and other gadgetry and equipment ready for setting off tomorrow.
We're staying a night in Eskdale YHA on Wednesday and then, hopefully a more comfortable night on Thursday in Carlisle, about 80 miles in, at a guest house.


M and I are acting as the rescue vehicle and having some quality mummy and daughter time en route, meeting up with the boys at lunch and at the end of each day. Then a few days in Northumberland with Andy's folks.


On another travelling note: I booked flights tonight to go to Knoxville, Tennessee, USA to see Jack and Emily in September - on my own!! After the last few weeks, Andy decided to bless me with the opportunity to use our banked airmiles, which gets me to Atlanta direct without costing us anything! Really looking forward to spending quality time with the Kings, their new baby and maybe, new house by then too!


Thanks Andy - and good luck and all the Vaseline you need to get through the next couple of days! saddle up!