a busy, up and down January...

Anyone stumbling onto the blog in the last few weeks will see that my December Daily posts stalled on 8th December. I don't think I even had a chance to think about them after that date. Looking back, I realise that was probably when I started to lose a sense of reality a bit. The first snuffly cold of the winter (first since Isaac's arrival too) set in, leaving me streaming and struggling to feed Isaac and blow my nose simultaneously!
In amongst 5th birthday preparations and other big events like Christmas, I never really stopped from that point on which was not a good place to be...
However, Christmas and New Year were lovely - a good mix of busyness which is to be expected as a church employee and time at home with friends and family. We had visitors for Christmas Day and my parents stayed from 26-28th December and then we headed to Northumberland on 29th to see the Smith side.
The travelling, late nights and not enough fruit and veg all took it's toll unfortunately and after returning from being with family at New Year, I had a week where I gradually felt worse and worse - sore throat, crazy tiredness - and after 2 months of no problems at all,  breastfeeding suddenly became more difficult with a cracked nipple (oh. so. painful). I knew I was run down but it only felt like a bit of something rather than anything too serious.
Anyway, once the breastfeeding pain had been going on for a few days, I headed to an out of hours doctor one Saturday morning who prescribed various creams and medicine for me and Isaac, diagnosing thrush. He also suggested that he'd be prescribing bed rest if I didn't have another child at home because I obviously wasn't shifting a virus or something. When Isaac's paediatrician said the same thing at our hospital check up 2 days later, Andy put his foot down and forced me to solely sleep, feed myself and feed Isaac for the next 2 days. It certainly made a big difference to my capacity to be rational about life, which had been going a bit awry! It also helped big time with the quality of my milk and although I now (a week later) have ANOTHER cold, I am definitely a bit more myself.

Throughout all of this up and down time, Isaac has been doing really well. He's still a tiddler at only 10lbs at 14 weeks old, which is partly why the paed wanted me to focus on getting well as she thinks his weight will do a sudden leap at some point to catch up with his length! So, I need to be ready for that obviously! He still sleeps really well, 7-10pm and then dream feed through to 7am.

Matilda has had a run of colds and coughs and such like, never enough to be off school but enough to make her grumpy after school. I'm glad we don't have any after school stuff like swimming at the moment...it would be a running battle I think. She's been put into a stream at school for her literacy and numeracy for those who are more able or who need stretching so she also has a little more homework to do for that. Alongside her dancing school show on Sunday with a full afternoon of rehearsals the previous 2 weekends, it's been a busy January already.
Andy turned the big 3-1 last week, which kinda got lost in the bed rest and stuff...but he made his own birthday muffins which were delicious (better than I would have made anyway!) and got enough gift money to buy a bazouki which he's been looking at for a while! It's not yet arrived but I'm sure once it does we'll be losing him to his study/music room a bit more!
So it's back into some semblance of routine. Isaac usually has 2 big feeds first thing in the morning before school which then leads into a good morning nap so I can get up, dressed, ready and get some jobs done round the house. He has another nap after his lunch feed but is usually then awake for once Matilda comes home from school until bath time at 6pm. 3-6pm is a crazy time of the day but lovely cos we're usually all around at home and doing various bits and pieces. I'm trying to get to some baby groups locally but with being poorly it hasn't happened yet. It's a big thing - even someone as supposedly 'confident' as me finds it hard to walk in cold to a new group of people, even if we do have something significant in common. But I will try my hardest before the end of January to take the plunge, just for my own sanity!

December Daily - Day Two

My day started at 6am when Isaac woke for his feed...the little button is gradually dropping the night feed by sleeping longer after the dream feed at 11pm...normality is resuming!
Matilda had a non-uniform day at school today and instead of paying for the privilege, her class had to take in sweets for the school Christmas Bazaar next Saturday (tangent thought - why is it called a Bazaar at Christmas but a Fete or Fair in the Summer?)
Andy had been up late finishing his first essay for College and so we slightly slept in...but Matilda (and Andy) made it to school on time, dressed, washed and looking presentable! I, however, didn't get moving quite as quickly - we had a visitor, Heather which was lovely and after catching up with her, Andy wanted my help with preparation for the Labyrinth this weekend. So it was after 12 by the time I got dressed...
The afternoon has ticked by with the school pick up, Andy heading off to set up the Labyrinth and tea, bath and bed routine. Now that both children are in bed, I'm starting to get ready for our visitors this weekend. Clearing the spare room of Christmas stuff, gifts and what not, wrapping some gifts as we'll do an exchange on Saturday night and putting up a few decorations. We usually wait until after Matilda's birthday to do the big 'decorate' of the house but since this will be our Christmas weekend with my side of the family, I have hung a wreath, some fairy lights and we will get some candles going tomorrow evening.
I'm going to do some cooking prep, make some gingerbread and depending on what time Andy gets back later also head out to a 24 hour supermarket. Much easier than with the kids in tow!
Isaac has been almost laughing today - as expected, this is directed mostly at Matilda! She was sitting on the low windowsill in the lounge watching TV and swinging her legs and he let out a loud but very happy gurgle...it's coming!!

December Daily - Day One

Welcome!!
In the nearly 10 years that we've been married, Andy and I have cultivated our own series of Advent traditions, which are almost more important than the Christmas traditions which are kinda like everyone else's.
Having an Advent Candle and an Advent Calendar with Bible passage or reflection as part of that time together.
Eating a meal together every night.
Giving thanks in different ways - sometimes through giving donations or sending special gifts to people or acts of service (Andy was Santy one year at my work Christmas 'do!)
Last year we added Andrew Peterson's 'Behold the Lamb' album to that list which I had discovered on my trip to Tennessee in September. It has been played a few times already!

When Matilda came along 5 years ago, those fluid traditions gained a different and clearer perspective and now with Isaac on the scene, we're excited to have this first Advent together as a family of 4.
Last year I attempted, with some success, to blog daily on what was happening, our reflections on the season and telling some of the funny and important stories of our day. You can read them starting here or click on advent or december daily labels to the right.

So today - December 1st. Our niece Ellie's 10th birthday first of all - can't believe she is 10! She was just a babe in arms when we got married...time has flown and she's a wonderful, clever, kind girl and a very talented gymnast - tipped for Olympics in the future!

The day started well as Isaac slept til 6am - he's gradually stretching the time he sleeps in the night and currently has a dream feed at 11pm and wakes for an early morning feed, sometime between 5.30 and 6.30am.
Matilda was very excited about the first pocket in her Advent Calendar - made for us in 2006 by my aunt when she was just born. Today she got a shiny chocolate coin and a tag saying 'Family prayers and thanks with candles'. That will be our activity over dinner this evening.

After Matilda had been taken to school and Andy had taken to his study, I got on with some preparations for Smith Lane Hodson Christmas weekend. My sister Ellie, husband Ollie and their son Freddie are going to New York this Christmas so we're all getting together at our house this weekend to exchange gifts and have some family time together with my parents too. It's a collective effort with us all bringing different elements of the meals so it should be fun.
Andy had a break from essay writing and came with me on a visit to our local butchers, just a short walk away, to get meat for the weekend and we enjoyed some fresh air with Isaac in the papoose on Andy's front.
Matilda had a play in the park after school with her friends Oscar and Alfie.
Pray and give thanks night with the Advent candle at the dinner table went well, with Matilda wanting to pray first and praying for children who don't have a nice school to go to or have enough food.
Tonight, I've been helping Andy with ideas and planning for an Advent Labyrinth he's setting up over the weekend while he has been squirrelled away Essay writing - something about Athanasius!

Isaac Thomas Andrew - the arrival!

He's here!
Isaac Thomas Andrew Smith, 6th October, 3.19pm weighing 6lb 4oz.

Surprisingly and significantly (see this post) arriving on his due date, 6th October, in a rather traumatic fashion, Isaac made his entrance! 10 days later as I begin writing this post, we're still recovering physically and mentally from everything accompanying his birth...which I'll summarise briefly here!

Having last posted here just before due date, Andy and I headed off to St Peters Hospital on the morning of Wednesday 5th October for my 'due date' midwife appointment, albeit a day early so I could see my regular midwife who doesn't work on Thursdays. The little things that had been problematic during previous visits - bit of protein in my urine, mobility issues with SPD etc. were all much better. Blood pressure duly checked, I hopped onto the bed to have the bump measured and hear the heartbeat. We were expecting that Squid would have grown as he was head engaged fully at the last visit which would have given him more room for growing in the space under my ribs...but he hadn't. I was still measuring 36-37 cm/weeks which was some cause for concern. Next, the heartbeat...usually something which is a fairly perfunctory exercise "there it is, all good..." but this time Lynne the midwife was counting carefully as to how many beats she could hear per minute. Even my untrained ear could hear that the pattern was accelerating and decelerating. Cue slight (read major) worry on everyone's part...
It was decided that further monitoring was needed so we spent the rest of the morning at St Peter's on the fetal heart monitor which was also measuring my blood pressure and for any signs of early labour or contractions. By the time that was done, the heart rate was much better but they were still concerned about his size and lack of recent growth so I was sent up to Broomfield to be monitored there.
Further heart monitoring and some measuring later and the midwives at Broomfield seemed happy to send us home, although with instructions that when I went into labour I was to come to the labour ward, not St Peter's. I had already realised that my plan of having both children in the same hospital under similar circumstances was not going to happen but I was still disappointed. Just as we were getting ready to leave, the midwife popped her head in the door and said she had chatted to the consultant on duty and would we mind if they did a quick scan just to double check measurements as my bump had been measured differently between the 2 hospitals...sure, no problem we said...
The consultant measured Isaac's head circumference and thigh bone as indicating 34 weeks - well outside the bracket for risk which was obviously pretty concerning so we were immediately booked to have a more detailed scan in the Ultrasound department...2 hours later. So we waited, drank coffee, ate pineapple and Andy did some 'teach yourself New Testament Greek' in the downstairs cafe.
By this time, my mum had been summoned from Surrey. It was just as well as our scan wasn't booked until 4.45pm, so she drove straight over (absentmindedly hitting 90mph on the A3!), picked up Matilda from school and managed to negotiate Chelmsford town centre! Eventually, when we got in for the scan, Squid was measured as being 35 weeks, estimated weight 5lb 4 oz and his amniotic fluid was low...most of it apparently being in his bladder which, according to the sonographer "is the size of the Pacific Ocean"! The most amazing thing about that scan was that the lovely sonographer invited my mum and Matilda in to the room too, so we have a picture of Isaac just the day before he was born...and the memories from sharing that unique moment all together.
So on heading back to the Labour Unit with all that information, we knew we wouldn't be allowed to wait long before seeing our baby boy! The Consultant told us she wanted to get him out soon, his weight and heartrate were a cause for concern but she gave us the option of staying in and being induced that night or coming back in the morning. There was a dawning realisation that we could potentially be having a baby, not only on the due date which is so rare but also on the exact same due date we had had with our twin pregnancy. It felt like such an opportunity - to redeem the 6th October as a day for celebration and new life rather than always remembering it tinged with sadness. So we opted to come back the next morning. At this point, in a curtained cubicle, both Andy and I were able to acknowledge our worry and fear but the massive sense of God's hand on the situation - how awesome is His timing and knowledge of all things. wow!
Dinner at Frankie and Benny's for the 4 of us, putting Matilda to bed for the last time as our only child and a repack of the labour bag later, we went to bed and slept fitfully before taking Matilda to school and heading back to the hospital. My poor mum was left to kill time at home.
Back on the Labour Unit, I was monitored for an hour, examined (lovely!) and then given the induction tablets internally. 1 hour of monitoring on my back again and then I was allowed to walk around. Within 1 hour I was getting contractions, initially making me want to sit on the toilet and then getting stronger and stronger as I walked and perched in different positions. I sat on the birthing ball for another hour or so as the contractions increased, listening to my iPod (Rend Collective, One Hundred Hours and Aretha Franklin as I remember!) and apparently singing in between and being silent while the pain was at it's strongest!
I had some dihydrocodeine as pain relief after a while and then, quite suddenly, I had a pain in my back and bottom which was entirely different to any labour pain I had had up til then or with my previous labour. It obviously worried the midwives too from my reaction to it and I was put back on the bed to be hooked up to the monitors again. Squid's heartrate didn't seem to be coping with labour and because it was getting so intense, they wanted to see how far dilated I was...after another examination, they found I wasn't dilated at all and from this point, it all became a blur.
I was in massive pain, screaming and shouting and aware of a lot more people coming into the room and it being quite frantic. Andy was with me to my right and a huge, tall, Nigerian doctor appeared to my left after a while to tell me that I needed to go to theatre to have a caesarean section and did I understand that? I was whisked down to theatre straight away - as I hadn't had any pain relief until then I was put under general anaesthetic because I had no break in contractions.  This meant that Andy had to be outside, just watching through the window. Between me entering theatre (3.05pm, I looked at the clock!) and Isaac being born (3.19pm) it was all systems go and they didn't put me under for a good few minutes as they wanted to minimise the medication which might affect baby.
I didn't wake up until 5pm. I was in massive pain when I did and I remember hearing Andy talking to the doctors and nurses in recovery and telling them what had happened which filled in some of the gaps that I had missed. It took me a while to be able to speak and I had a mask on and various lines in my hands and arm. Back on the ward, they checked me out, gave me more pain relief and - hallelujah - tea and toast! We debated names for a bit, knowing that Matilda and my mum would be arriving for visiting hours from 7pm - we had promised Matilda that she would be the first to know so we had to make a decision!
*******
So, I'm finishing writing this account on 29th November - a full 7 weeks nearly since this all happened!! I came out of hospital 2 days later, very sore and with a tiny baby and still in shock really. So grateful for all the staff at St Peter's and Broomfield who looked after me and for the health visitors and midwives who have taken care of us all since coming home.
As of this week, Isaac is 7lb 9oz and beginning to smile and make various noises. He's sleeping well at night, waking only once but he does feed a LOT in the day. He's still only little so he's being kept an eye on but he's gaining weight consistently which is the main thing. We've had loads of help - my mum, Andy's mum both staying for a week here and there and other friends bringing meals, having Matilda and running errands. As I have healed, I've got back into driving, walking much more and starting to get into a weekly and daily routine which works for us all. Life as 4 Smiths is pretty cool - we're looking forward to making memories with Baby Button and our Big Girl Bean this Christmas and charting further developments on this blog. Sorry for the silence of late, but I'm sure you'll let me off!

some more foolproof recipes

Over the weekend, Andy was covering some more of my Youth Adviser work for me so was out all day Saturday. It's crazy to think that these dates for youth leader training (Equipping) and Growing Young Leaders (last Thursday) have been in the diary longer than I have been pregnant! But I'm very grateful to him (and Liz and Lucy too) for being willing and so enthusiastic to step in and keep things ticking over. I think they've enjoyed the experience?!

Anyhow, it meant that me and the Bean had a Saturday just the two of us which is quite a rare thing - and once we had got going over breakfast and some Cbeebies, she had her first dancing class of the new term. It's a class where they mix Ballet, Tap and Street Dance together which is right up her street and although she had a bit of an attack of the nerves just before going in, she had a brilliant time. The bonus for her is that the lessons are a full hour long which means she gets really 'in the zone' and also that the venue is literally opposite our house!

Once we'd got home and had some lunch we embarked on some baking - Damp Lemon Loaf Cake from Nigella's Domestic Goddess which I have made before (see this post)
I also took a risk and made Nigella's Fresh Gingerbread with lemon icing which is a stable part of our diet! (Good recipe and online review here) I say a risk because I was in the midst of making gingerbread when I eventually went into labour with the Bean, 12 days late! So it's always had a reputation in our household of being 'Matilda's gingerbread' and she gets a birthday cake of gingerbread every year! (for my pregnancy/maternity diary from nearly 5 years ago, you can check out my other blog here)
Half the gingerbread is now in the freezer for another occasion and half is - almost finished!

Yesterday, I also made a lovely Sunday dinner in the Crock Pot - a boneless pork shoulder joint with 2 onions, some italian seasoning and 2 cans of ginger beer chucked over - cooked for 6 hours and the juices reduced into a spicy and sweet gravy. Served with roast potatoes and green beans from my dad's garden. Again, half was eaten yesterday with the rest in the freezer for meals over the next few weeks. It was yummy - tender, sweet and sour in a way and so easy!

Pregnancy wise, I'm starting to get my head round potentially being pregnant for a good while yet - my due date is 10 days away and history dictates that I'll probably be late. I had wondered whether finishing work might get things moving as I stopped moving, but it hasn't happened yet! While it would be nice to be early or soon, there are no signs of anything happening as yet, apart from backache and just restlessness in the evenings but that is pretty normal. Baby Squid is measuring small (36 cm and I'm 38 weeks) - not in a concerning way but because it's head is now engaged it has a bit more room to grow and the midwives are hoping to see my bump size become a little more commensurate with my number of weeks by the time I see them next.
It gives us time to get a bit more idea of names...our initial shortlist has been scrapped, reinstated and rejigged quite a bit over the last few days and we have a shortlist now which isn't exactly inspiring me. I think I'm hoping for a name to smack me round the head, like Matilda Grace did but that hasn't come yet. So, baby Squid may be nameless apart from being a sea creature for a few days!

Big School

Baby Bean started at Infant School today - all in a bit of a rush in the end. Because our housing circumstances changed, we applied at a late date for the school behind our new house...a Church of England school with outstanding OFSTED report. We didn't hold out much hope to be honest so were still prepared to do the 6 mile round trip twice a day to take her to her original school in Billericay.
However, yesterday we got a phone call to say there was a place for her and she started today! If she had gone to the other school as planned, she wouldn't have started til Monday and would have done half days til 10th October! But she's straight in here, full days and she's loving it so far!

We're very proud of her - there has been a lot of change over the last few weeks, with more to come and she has taken it mostly in her stride. She was excited this morning, happy when she knew her teacher's name and came home having made a few friends, just not remembering all their names as yet! Highlights seemed to have been having to put her hand up when the register was called and also eating her lunch at a long bench in the school hall!
So, one milestone is reached and we watch and wait to see how this new life in education works out for her. For us, as long as she thrives and develops a love of learning, alongside her already well formed love of books, music and creativity, we'll be happy.
And this little girl becomes a big sister in just a few short weeks - wowzers!

moving on and moving out...

We're in the midst of packing and sorting and clearing and causing our own brand of chaos...we move in 10 days to Billericay. Having had the boxes delivered on Monday evening, we've now had 2 very full days of packing, both here and at my office and we're a bit fed up and hot and bothered so I've retreated upstairs while Andy catches up on Smallville.
Although I say we move to Billericay, we'll actually be living in Hutton, in a rented property because our house purchase fell through in mid July. It was an incredibly frustrating time, considering we had got so far down the road and were almost at the point of exchanging contracts. But our vendors were not very honest with us and chose to only 'fess up that they hadn't anywhere to go on 11th July...by which time our hopes of finding another house to buy were pretty remote. It did feel as though things were all falling apart very quickly; we'd sold our house in April and everything had been progressing without a hitch since then. So we chose to still sell as our buyer was secure and ready to move and take a risk on finding a rental property...which initially meant we were going to be homeless as we couldn't afford anything!! But we've ended up with more space and a long term rental through my job which is a great blessing and we hope to be able to buy an investment flat or something similar (camper van?!) in due time.
It's been a pretty stressful time all in all - with some amazing glimpses of the hope that is before us. It's been challenging to focus all the time on WHY we are doing this and not just the stupidity, cost and sheer exhaustion of it!
The next few months hold some massive milestones - moving being the first one and one which will take a while to recover from probably! Next Andy and Matilda head to Greenbelt for a long weekend, just the two of them before they both start in education on 12th September and Matilda becomes our eldest child sometime in September/October!
Andy and Matilda will both 'go to school' on 12th - Matilda to infant school which she is VERY excited about. Andy on the other hand will be on a train to London, (South Kensington to be precise) to start at Vicar Factory at St Paul's Theological Centre - he'll be there every Monday in University terms, plus 7 weekends and 2 residential weeks each year. Another 3 days will be in placement at the church in Billericay where we will worship as a family and he'll have a day of private study too.
My maternity leave starts on 15th September and with all the busyness of Falcon Afloat last week, alongside a very busy July generally, I shall certainly be ready for it! At the moment I'm planning to be back at work in April 2012 but am going to be flexible with that and just enjoying being at home, doing the school run and being a Mummy 5 years after this all began with Matilda!

So hopefully, I might have more time for blogging but for August, you'll certainly have to bear with us and maybe we'll get back to more reflective and regular service in September. But then again, I may have my hands full!

December Daily - 8th - 16th December

8th - Youth Group tonight, all about 'Why bother being a Christian?'...we also got excited about our Christmas party next week, discussing games and food and decorations. It was decided (by the kids!) that we would definitely have our Christmas tree up by the 15th so we will put it up the day before Matilda's birthday...breaking a 4 year tradition!!


9th - We attended our first Victorian evening as a family tonight...M was born on a Victorian evening 4 years ago nearly. They happen on the first and second Thursdays of December and Maldon High Street is transformed into a hive of activity, lots of stall holders and shop keepers dressed up in Edwardian and Victorian dress, caps, aprons, dresses, suits....there are hog roasts, chestnuts, gifts, games, crafts and a general Christmassy atmosphere. Matilda loved it, especially the free sweets they gave away at different places and the fairground rides she got to go on!

10th - Matilda's birthday weekend; Ellie and Ollie and Freddie arrive, we have a trip out to Maldon Deli and then E&O babysit for us while we head out to the TOM Christmas Huddle in Walthamstow.

11th - A relaxing and sunshine filled day. Walk at Prom, Mexican lunch, Tiptree Cheap Shop for cake decorations, Strictly Semi finals, Roast Lamb, cake decorating and party preparations.

12th - 4th Birthday party. Great fun had by all, 10 kids, assorted adults, lots of iced gems, jelly, little sandwiches and the usual games...Matilda loved every minute and was so tired when we got home that she fell asleep standing up! She was Jessie the Yodelling Cow Girl from Toy Story - and we had various other Disney Characters attend too!

13th - all of us, pooped! Could not get up this morning, after all the busyness of the previous few days and the excitement too, it all caught up with us. We did manage to all get to work, school and nursery and also to buy our Tree and decorate it!

14th an early start for M's birthday itself, with a few presents in bed, a new dress to wear and the excitement of a new bike too! The rest of the day went as normal with M at childminder's, Andy at school and me at meetings with the Bishop's Team and one of the youthworkers I supervise. In the evening, we had an easy pasta dinner at home before putting M to bed - not until she'd had all her new books read to her though! We then headed out to my work's do with the Bishop's Team and partners which was a bring and share dinner...we brought dessert since we had already eaten earlier and shared the seriously sinful Girdlebuster Pie from Nigella's Christmas.

15th Normal day on many levels, followed by the Random Youth Christmas party at ours. Highlights include Pass the Parcel with forfeits, Ibble Dibble game, the After Eight game and a gorgeous Malaysian curry brought to the table by 2 of the group..yummy! Lots of laughs and relaxing time together to end the first term that this group has existed...they are a blessing and a highlight of our week! Thanks lovelies!

16th I finally managed to finish the Christmas cards today - all written, addressed, stamped and posted. Our emailed Christmas newletter was also scheduled to go out today (I'll link to that in a seperate post.) Our Advent Calendar pocket contained the tag labelled 'Mummy Daughter Date' as I was attending a Craft afternoon at M's nursery which was great fun and lovely to see her 'hosting' me in her special space with her friends...we then headed into town, covered in glue, glitter and paint and stopped off at the library and the Deli for some more quality time together. The day finished off with our friends Louis and William coming for dinner which was most enjoyable and I trialled a new recipe on them - Cider Chicken with Mushrooms and anchovies which was yummy.

There we go, all caught up...no wonder I'm tired, when I read it all back I haven't really taken a breath until today! Love Fridays - hope you're having a good one, whatever you're up to...xx
Back tomorrow!

getting behind...

Despite my best intentions for a December Daily blog series, I've got behind...4th birthday and a house of visitors scuppered the weekend a bit and I haven't had any time til today to even sort photos out, let alone write anything...

I'm hoping to get back on track as I want to journal these days, as much for myself as anyone else and so I'll be back with December Daily 8-17 December...and hope to keep it up after that too!

For now, here's a few pictures of the birthday girl who turned 4 on Tuesday...

sofa snuggles

The Princess Castle cake - thanks for Ellie and Ollie for their decorating and creative strategy!

The Birthday Girl's bike - at around 6.30am on her birthday!

We had all day present opening - before and after nursery and the day after too!

December Daily - 7th December

7th December

An unremarkable day in many ways - work, meetings, time with youth workers. Andy was at school, Matilda at her childminders. But still a lovely day with some hilarious and special moments...

I did manage an extra hour at home just before picking them both up when I prepped dinner which meant we could all eat together which is one of our daily aims of Advent. I did a variation on this Three Bean Chilli recipe from Rachael Ray which we had with polenta.
Matilda and I had some lovely snuggle time, curled up on the sofa and chatting about all the craft she is making at Yoriko's and nursery before she went up for a bath. Her eczema is not great at the moment so her baths contain Oilatum and she is slathered in aqueous cream all over afterwards.

I then had a night out at a Scrap Happy Crop which I have been to once before. I finished a few of my ongoing projects, including an album for my nephew and a little something for my dad too who is having a little op on Friday. My newest kit arrived today aswell:

Look at all those lovely papers and colours...can't wait to start playing this weekend!
December is flying by...crikey...

end of November cometh...the illusion of Santa...

I had a realisation that, 4 years ago today, I was heavily pregnant with M and expecting to pop any day...as it was, she didn't make an appearance until 14th December which seemed a long way off at that point and seems a long way off now - but it will come round soon enough! And we have lots to do before then!
Can't believe my little Bean is going to be 4! She is just really great company at the moment and has come home unexpectedly from her childminder this afternoon cos Andy's school is closed and so her got her on the way home. They are snuggled up watching Home Alone and we're going to do some craft stuff later on...I have had to take a sick day from work today as I've got a nasty fluey bug - sore throat, snotty nose and generally feeling pretty unwell. I had a lazy morning and a hot bath with tea tree oil which hopefully will clear the passages...and now I'm just pottering on with a few online jobs which don't require too much thinking or strain! Hence the update now...

So, tomorrow is December 1st and although I know Advent officially started on Sunday, we're only getting going with those bits of preparation in time for tomorrow. We have a pocket Advent Calendar which this year will not only have small chocolates inside, but may also have some challenges, activities or other treats (like hot chocolate with marshmallows before bed etc.) We always have a candle to burn down one notch each day and we try to spend evenings when we're all in together with only music, no TV and spending time talking, playing games and getting excited about Jesus' birthday. Every year, Matilda is more aware of what the season means and this week, she's been enjoying the new Vicky Beeching album 'Eternity Invades' and singing along to the 'Glory to God Forever' track. It's great that she can enjoy the gift giving and receiving season, as well as understanding the reason behind why we get to do all this fun stuff. Previously we've really not done Father Christmas in a big way at all, but with her being at nursery and having lots of little friends to talk to, she's pretty into Santa etc. - we still don't 'do' Father Christmas particularly but we do have some little presents in a stocking on Christmas morning and she is aware we buy those, not Father Christmas. I find it difficult to have integrity about that aspect of the season's traditions without making M feel like she's missing out or we are weird. So Father Christmas is around, but not referred to specifically and we choose to do stuff about the Jesus story rather than other more localised traditions.
First off in this house though, we focus on Matilda's birthday as her special day of the year. Despite it being so close to Christmas, it is far enough away that we can do her birthday justice before we need to get focused on Christmas. So, the tree doesn't go up until 15th December, or evening of 14th at the earliest if that is what she wants to do on her birthday evening. We keep other decorations to a minimum, bar the things I listed above and most of that will go up on 15th December.

So, while I have some space and the Boy and the Bean are occupied, I'll get on with some other jobs online and elsewhere and leave you to let me know what you do about the 'illusion' of Father Christmas? Does he make an appearance in your house?

Due Date

Today we are marking a date that is both painful and a significant milestone.


Back in February 2010, when we had got used to the positive pregnancy test and were beginning to plan for baby number 2, our doctor gave us an expected due date of October 6th.


All parents or those who are pregnant and over-due will know that a due date means nothing really, but for us, after the shock of being told we were expecting twins and then the pain of losing them 3 weeks later, this is the only date we have ever had to mark what could have been. We know that having twins would probably have meant they could have come any time in September...but October 6th still holds significance and has loomed large in these last few days.


We're marking today in our own way, thinking and crying and talking together. We also launched a new youth group in our home this evening which sits as a potent sign that life and new seasons continue and we must choose to join in with the journey.

But there have been some things which have comforted me and I'd like to share them with you. 


Firstly a poem, well known I guess but beautiful and potent and full of hope:

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day.

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

Christina Rossetti

I have also been challenged and comforted by the example of Hannah in the Bible. Hannah focused her attention onto God in her pain and her loss and her barrenness and silently in her heart, praying only with her lips and not with any words.  (1 Samuel 1)

The prognosis on us before we had Matilda was of barrenness, and by a miracle we conceived naturally and have a wonderful little girl, nearly 4. WOW. 

We conceived naturally a second time and despite the loss of our twins, we know that God has blessed us through this experience and given us grace in our weakness and provision in our desperation. 

So, through all of this, I want to pray as Hannah prayed:

My heart rejoices in the Lord

My strength is exalted in the Lord

I smile at my enemies

Because I rejoice in your salvation.

And I stand on the promise of 1 Corinthians 15 - "the dead will be raised incorruptible and we shall be changed. O Death, where is your Victory?"

Death does not have the victory in our lives or in our home. We miss and love our babies that we never got to meet or hold, but we know that there is a sure and certain hope of seeing them again. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ( as Doug Horley would sing!!) 

Thanks for your prayers, your friendship and your love to us over these months. Reaching this due date is a milestone, a stake in the ground and we move on from here with a deep breath and a sense that God is in control. He has made us more aware of his presence through our grief. Thank you God for all your goodness and faitfulness. 

Knoxville Tennessee

A few people have asked when I'm going to post about my recent trip...and I've only just had a spare minute after my return to blog about it.

This week has been crazy, as much as last week was calm and serene and wonderful. I appreciate the former because of the latter.

The details of each day are not exciting - Emily, Jack and I spent our days around the routine of 5 week old Madeleine and that made it all very gentle. Jack had a quiet week, pastoring-wise, so he was able to have later mornings and be home for dinner. Emily and I walked each morning round the park for 2 miles, before the heat of the day and by the time we had done that and then showered and fed Madeleine again (well. Emily did!) it was time for lunch!!

We went to an Andrew Peterson concert on Tuesday night which was awesome...and we have bought 2 of his albums since.
I had a scrapbooking class at Scrappin' in the City which is an amazing boutique/shop/community/workshop where I made a birthday book in 2.5 hours...I was very pleased with myself!

Emily and I had lots of time to chat, read and chill, with a bit of extended shopping on Friday which was a lot of fun! We also saw our mutual friends for lunch at Tomato Head - and I consumed a yummy Southwestern Salad...really craving those now we are truly in autumnal weather here in England!

It was really lovely to be around with Emily and Madeleine and Jack for lots of firsts - first bath without crying, M's first trip to Target (in fact, to any shop!), first nap in her cot...

 So it was pretty bittersweet when I had to leave. The trip and time away had been what I needed it to be - space for reflection, time out of the normality of life and a chance to make new and good memories of this time of year when our babies would have been due. In so many ways it exceeded my expectations and it was wonderful to be subsumed into a family and to be able to look after them as they cared for me. It was a special trip and one which I shall never forget and I'm grateful to Andy for releasing me to do it.

And it is wonderful to be home...I was met at the airport with a 'MUMMY' homemade sign and I worked 30 hours in 3 days this week to allow me to have Friday off as normal with Matilda, which was so great.


So as September fades away and October begins with all it's autumnal colours and wintry skies, I feel a bit of sunshine in my life and the love and prayers of wonderful friends who gave up precious time with their daughter to allow me to come and be. Thank you, Emily, Jack and Madeleine and we can't wait to host you...next year, fingers crossed.

Ta ta for now...

Dorothy the Dinosaur

Note: this will mean nothing to you if you haven't ever watched the Wiggles.
If you haven't ever watched the Wiggles, you should probably think yourself lucky!

This is Dorothy (Matilda) the Dinosaur - see her roar!....

and then have a bit of a rest!! with the iPhone!

person of peace

For an introduction to the Person of Peace concept - try this helpful blog intro http://passionfruitblog.wordpress.com/2009/10/21/lifeshapes-the-octagon/

I had a profound experience of connecting with a Person of Peace (in fact 2) today at M's dancing class. For 6 months I have been taking her every week in term time for her half hour ballet class. While the kids are in their lesson, parents have to stay in a nearby room to wait, especially for this group as they still need help with the toilet and the teachers won't do that! 

In all that time, I have sat while other mums around me have talked across me and ignored me, carrying on their own conversations because they know each other from the school gates or nursery schools. They are usually in these conversations before they enter the room and it's been difficult to interrupt or even know what on earth they are talking about! It has been a lonely experience and one which has made me question myself, as a normally extroverted and friendly and chatty person. Something about the environment and everyone knowing someone else made me feel incredibly excluded. I have tried a couple of times to chat - and twice had a great conversation and was able to share about my job and about M's eyes and how we have seen God's hand at work in their improvement. But BOTH times, the week after, that mum was nowhere to be seen and hasn't been back since...was it something I said??!!

Since we moved church in January, we have been conscious of how much M has missed her friends at 'red church' as she calls it. We've tried to keep connected with 'red church' friends but it's hard when lives often change course because of different circles. We were worried that too much too-ing and fro-ing would make her unsettled as she asked 'when are we going back to red church' a few times. So we have concentrated on her friends and connections at nursery and 'yellow church' (it's all to do with brick colour!!)

But during this week, while I was away at Pilgrimage in Sheffield, I really felt God prompt me to not be so embarrassed or precious or irritated about not being included in the dancing mum's conversation and not to be scarred by previous experiences. In the context of missional communities and extending God's kingdom in our community, I was made aware that the attitude problem came from me and that I should pray for a person of peace in that arena and see what happened. So I did. 

And today, the room we would normally gather in while the class was going on was being used by another group. It meant we had to stand in the foyer bit for 10 minutes....and conversation started because I mentioned out loud that the group in the room had a lot of technology with them (speakers, projector etc) which might take a while to pack up.... The mum out there with me at that point agreed and said she noticed I always had my laptop with me and was it for my work? It opened the conversation...not for long, but it was a start!

And then, another mum came in whose little girl was starting the class today, She had a baby with her who was feeding from a bottle and while baby was busy she started asking me some questions about how the class worked and whether M enjoyed it. She was so engaging and said that her daughter was nervous about starting but was pleased there were other girls there. M had helped things along by taking this little girl's hand and saying 'you can follow me' when she first arrived. 

So, I'm thanking God tonight for his opening of these opportunities and for using M in it with me!

calm chaos

Today has been a day when despite nothing really working out as I thought it would, there has been an air of peace and loveliness all around...can't explain it.


I was working this morning and spent some time with a lovely youthworker that I 'support' in a way which I get more out of than I am sure she does! After a bit of sorting in the office, I went to get M from nursery. 
We took ages to leave, she was faffing in the car and chatting and wanting to show me her empty lunchbox to prove she had eaten all her lunch as she had promised she would.
We wandered, dawdled and pottered round the supermarket - I only needed flour and in the wine aisle, as I was perusing the reduced rose - M decided she wanted a drink...a pink one, like I had just put in the trolley....hmmph.


Tantrum slightly averted (or delayed) we headed home. I had a cuppa, M had a chill on the sofa with a bit of CBeebies and gave me a running commentary of Justin on 'Something Special' and his makaton signs up Snowdon (in any other context, that sentence would be ridiculous!)


And in a bizarre hour, around 4pm, M went to sleep, I received 7 phone calls, managed to pay off my credit card online in the meantime.Also dusted and tidied the clutter downstairs (onto the stairs, where it now remains..!) and set about doing some baking and prepping dinner...and I blogged too on www.alisssmith.typepad.com . Strictly speaking, none of that should have been possible - I didn't have enough hands, minutes or brain cells to have got all that to happen so conveniently. But it did.

And I feel quite content and calm...a very nice feeling!


Time for a cuppa, a chocolate cup cake and the Election Debate...

Mothering Sunday

I have a special appreciation for Mothering Sunday. I spent a good number of years being the one planning and being involved in Mothering Sunday all age worship or such like, arranging little posies of daffs and making sure we all bigged up the Mums...as we should of course...
But all the while, Andy and I were being told we were unlikely to have children naturally, we were continuing trying with no luck and facing the possibility that we would be 'just the two of us'. It felt pretty hopeless.
Throughout that time, it always struck me as a bit brutal, the way that Mothering Sunday is played out in our churches especially. Mothering Sunday is actually not about biological or birth mothers, let alone those who mother us in other ways. It's actually about the community of the church, the mother church, where all our roots begin.

I'm grateful to Jenny Baker on the Sophia Network blog for linking to this previous Maggi Dawn post on this very subject.
Maggi offers this useful insight which resonated with me:

When did Mothering Sunday become Mother’s Day? Only very recently – in the last 40 years. I have no problem with celebrating mothers – being one myself, I’m entirely receptive to celebrating motherhood any old time! I do remember, though, before I was a Mother, how profoundly excluded one could feel when Church celebrations of Mother’s Day tended to give out subliminal messages that one wasn’t a "real" woman if you weren’t a mother. I think Church should endeavour to celebrate motherhood in a wider sense – focusing on, perhaps, the Community of church, the mothering of God, the support of mothers by the whole church. We also need to take care, in celebrating motherhood, to wave a pastoral antenna for those who long to be mothers but can’t, those who have suffered miscarriages and stillbirths, those whose mothers have died recently, or who for any other reason struggle with "Mother’s day".

The very heart of the Father is that we should all feel part of the community of His children and the church is and should be the place where that is worked out most perfectly. Whilst we know it often isn't that way in reality, I do want to be aware of those for whom this day is most difficult and who perhaps stay away because of the memories, the pain or the disappointment.

Also, this Sunday I want to be grateful, in even greater measure for the blessings God has given me in my daughter and to be aware and thankful to those who have in their own way mothered, parented, mentored and made me into who I am and the mother I am, today.

Mon, I love you. Thank you for being there for me and for being so selfless and for loving me in everything I do and am.

eye eye!

The Bean went for her latest appointment at the Eye Specialist (opthalmist) at St Peter's hospital today.
She had a patch put on her right eye in late November in a bid to get this eye to rest and hopefully start working again. As she has both a lazy eye and a squint, they were working on 'shocking' the eye first but it didn't do much in those first 2 weeks.
In mid December the decided to move the patch onto her good eye, leaving her seeing with only the 'bad' eye. It was obvious at that appointment that she could barely see anything from her right eye - although she was making a good guess at the pictures she knew were being held in front of her - "Is it an elephant?" she suggested for the giraffe picture!

The good news is that her 'bad' eye, her right eye has improved in terms of it's vision from pretty much zero on 15th December to being at '5' on a scale of 1-10! Amazing!
It was a pretty scary few days when they first moved the patch onto her good eye to make the bad eye work harder - she was fumbling for door handles or completely missing them and couldn't do anything that involved too much close detail. It also made her much more tired and grumpy, which is never fun with a 3 year old anyway! We wondered whether she would ever be able to see properly or indeed whether this method of strengthening the eye would be successful.
But we're delighted at such improvement and are continuing to pray that not only will the progress continue, but that next time she will hit 8 or 9 on that elusive scale!

Pray with us!

Birthday pictures

Some birthday pics...

The new Peppa Pig brolly!I love this girl!!

Opening pressies in bed                                           The Smiths after a lovely dinner!!

To my daughter, on her 3rd birthday...

Today, my baby Bean, you turn 3! I can't believe how big you are!
3 years since there were just 2 of us at No63, three years since we had a choice of what to watch on TV before 7pm...three years since I lay there at St Peter's, being told I had a baby daughter and wondering whether it was all over and was someone kidding me??!! three years since I became a Mummy and Andy became a Daddy...where has that time gone?
I know you won't be able to read this little post of mine for a while yet, but I wanted to make a memory of how I feel and what I remember at this juncture...and hope you enjoy reading it when you can.

Being 3 is brilliant - we know you love being 3 and we love you at this age. You never stop talking from the minute you wake up (hearing you singing in your bed as we try and ignore our alarm clock in our bed is one of my greatest joys each day) and you ask such clever questions and never stop enquiring.

This time 3 years ago I was huge, getting very fed up and was desperate to meet you - and I was convinced, as were the midwives, that you were a boy. When you eventually arrived (12 or 9 days late depending on which scan you refer to!) you were a girl and you took us all by surprise! That first Christmas when you were only 10 days old was a bit of a blur and you have kept us on our toes ever since.
In total, we've know you a little bit longer than 3 years - from that first positive test, 6 weeks in, you have been a part of me...and there are so many things about you that I know are 'me' too, mannerisms, habits, ways of reacting...and there are so many things in you that are what I love about your Daddy...you are our perfect mix and a uniquely created individual at the same time.

Here are some things that I love about you:
Your independance - your insistence that you do it 'all by myself' - teeth brushing, toilet, mixing hot chocolate powder into your milk, choosing your bedtime books or clothes for nursery...you name it, you can do it or will try to do it!
Your giggle - when you're being tickled or when you are just tickling yourself with your funny stories or wacky ideas!
The way you accept people - last week at your party, you made sure everyone was OK, introduced 'my grandma' to everyone who came in case they didn't know who this lady was. It made me so proud to see you making space for people in your life and your home - and you definitely see it as your home!
I love the simplicity with which you view life - everyone is your friend, whether you have known them 2 minutes or all of your life. Every new thing is something to get stuck into - no fear here!!
I love that fact that you would eat pasta for every meal because it's tasty and you can have it with peas and ketchup and everyone is happy.
I love the fact that when you play hide and seek you assume that if you can't see everyone, they can't see you...
I love the fact that although you don't always sleep when I put you down for a nap, you never attempt to leave your room - you just potter about and 'reorder' your clothes and books - you call it 'being busy'.
I love the fact that a piece of cake and a babyccino cures all ills...just like Mummy!
I love the way you take such pride in making things for people - cards and crafts, food, even making up a bed on your bedroom floor for your friend in anticipation of that long promised sleepover (I promise, it will happen!!)
I love the way you learn your favourite stories off by heart and read them along with us...keeping us in check more like!
Some of my best times in the last 3 years have been the insignificant times, the everyday things - doing your hair in french plaits for your Great Grandparents Diamond wedding party, helping you articulate your baby prayers at night, helping you make sense of sharing and playing nice...tucking you in each evening, making sure you're warm and smelling the smell of your skin which hasn't changed since your early hours, singing in the car on the way to nursery, having you help me cook and stir in the kitchen, your excitement when the phone rings or the doorbell goes....the list is endless!

You are fiesty and full of fun and opinion. You have a way of infuriating us with your dawdling when you know we want to be out the house or doing something else - you know your own pace and you know the way you like things to be done. You have your own sense of style and coordination - insisting on red tights with a pink dress, along with a spotty coat and tartan hat.

You help me to understand how deep the Father's love is for us - how wide and deep and high and strong, in a way which passes all understanding. You make me grateful for all the things that I have been blessed with and you enhance every blessing in my life by being in it. I seek to put the word of God and the love of Jesus in your heart so it becomes part of you - something that is at your surface shining out but also at the very depths of your being.
You are my miracle - the baby they said I would never have and the surprise to beat all surprises. We cherish you - and we're speechless with wonder so often when you come home having learnt something else new or having had a wonderful adventure that you are excited to tell us about. How did we get so lucky??
You are growing up fast and I wouldn't want it any other way - but when you are all growed up and getting your life settled - who knows who with or doing what? - I want to remember what it was like when you were 3 and I was 31 and we were getting ready for your birthday...if only we could bottle it...? I remember it sweetly and with thanks and with tears too, just a few.
Happy birthday MG - we love you and we know you love us.
Thank you God for this wonderful gift - help us do our job well.