Departure Time

Today, through my email networks and other avenues, I've announced that I'm leaving my post as Area Youth Ministry Adviser for the Bradwell Episcopal Area and Basildon Deanery at the end of July.
You may have come to this extended post via social media or have read my more formal announcement elsewhere and clicked through. Either way, you're very welcome!

In case you haven't seen it already, this is the 'formal' announcement that has gone out to my Crucible mailing list and to other groups of colleagues:

An Announcement

I’m writing this morning to let you know that I'll be leaving my role as Area Youth Ministry Adviser at the end of July.  After nine years in this privileged role and in this great Diocese, it’s time to move into some fresh challenges whilst also focusing more on family and local priorities.

I am incredibly blessed to have worked with so many inspiring people in that time - namely YOU!! but also Bishop Laurie and Bishop John, the wider Area Team and my Youth Adviser colleagues Ray Gibbs, Andy Poultney and Rachel Brett as well as youth officers across the country. It has been my privilege to serve such incredibly faithful, committed and passionate youth workers, clergy and leaders across Essex and East London, all looking to see young people flourish and grow in our churches and wider communities. 

I’ve worked full time for the last fifteen years, with two brief breaks to have our children, now eight and three. As our youngest begins pre-reception in September and full time school in 2016, it's become clear that God is leading us towards a change of gear for this next academic year,  affording me the opportunity to change the speed setting and to further invest in our family life and local mission.

Yet my calling and passion for youth work will not cease! This is a deep calling for me, first acknowledged in the early months after coming to faith. So I’ll continue leading youth work locally in Basildon and our Falcon Camp in Tollesbury each summer, as well as exploring a variety of freelance possibilities and partnerships, ranging from coaching, leadership development, training and retreats.

There have been many highlights and unforgettable moments – recently, the Celebration of Youth Ministry and the launch of the Authorisation scheme have been big projects with moments of great joy. Developing the Encounter: Young Leaders programme has been amazing, journeying with young adults full of such potential. The Deanery Youth Champions Network across the Diocese has enabled huge growth in the profile of Youth Ministry. But amongst all those key projects and initiatives, important as they are, the greatest joy is the day to day parish support of youth workers and clergy; the mentoring of leaders; the monthly Hub gatherings; the regular youth group visits and the training sessions which are the bread and butter of the role. In these I'm reminded that youth ministry is about community and friendship amongst all ages - being significant adults to young people is a privilege and in this privileged position, we are afforded a glimpse of the fullness of the kingdom which we look towards.

"1 Timothy 4: 12 Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young but be an example to the believers in your speech, your life, your love, your faith and your purity."

There will be further updates as time unfolds so keep an eye out for future Crucible editions (sign up here http://eepurl.com/RSb1 if you don't receive already.)
I sincerely hope that I'll be able to catch up with many of you in these next three months of transition. 

Andy and I, along with Matilda and Isaac hugely value your prayers and support as we step forward in trust and thankfulness.

_______________________________________________________________

Nine years in any one place, job or role is a long time and many of you reading this will be both co-workers and friends. Whilst it won't interest everyone (!) I thought it might be helpful to unpack a little more of the process of decision making and some personal thoughts at this stage - for those who are interested and for those who have journeyed with me/us and want to know a bit more. As always with these type of announcements, you can't always tell people personally in the right order - so hopefully this will serve to give some more detail and answer some questions about the what next for us and for the role I leave.

Unusually for me, this is certainly not, at this stage, a well formed plan! Our priorities in making this decision have been about recognising what is best for family life, sustaining sanity as well as acknowledging where my call to youth work and church leadership fits in to the new world of a curacy family. 

At this point, all I'm certain of, in this initial academic year, is that my time will be spent primarily with Isaac who is 3.5 years and starts pre-Reception for 3 hours a day in September. Alongside that and as appropriate, I'm looking to develop a number of possible avenues in a self employed capacity. I've recently completed my training with 3dm Europe in leading online Coaching Huddles and I'll be exploring some avenues into delivering training and leading retreats as well as volunteering with charities whom I presently serve in other ways. Through all that, I'm open to what God presents in this path within the parameters we've set for the family. It allows for flexibility and being able to say both yes and no to whatever may be offered in terms of future work.  I will need to earn some money at some point, but all in good time!

For me, this shift is a progression which makes sense in this season. It's a shift we've considered at a number of junctions over the last 9 years - when Andy began discerning ordination; when he was selected and training; when I had Isaac and was considering my return to work; and most recently as we considered the curacy offered to us in Basildon where we are now. 
The stability and income of my role is not as crucial now that Andy is ordained. That offers different choices to us and the restlessness I've felt for about a year, particularly around God's call to us to be embedded locally, feels resolved in choosing this 'extended sabbatical'.  Along the way, when I previously considered moving on, other events took over - Andy Poultney's appointment to Young Vocations Champion meant that it was not timely for me to go as well - and I wasn't ready to go either! Various projects within my job description kept momentum going too - all the changes with SOLID, the new Authorisation scheme, Deanery Youth Champions, training commitments, all the good stuff, involving brilliant people, which makes this role so varied and fulfilling. Again, as a family, the stability of my role in the midst of moving house, new church, settling children into schools etc. was very important. Sometimes, it is better to continue doing what you've always done when everything else seems to be rapidly changing and because I love my job and enjoy (nearly) every aspect of it, it wasn't a hard choice to stay at all!

But in a number of ways, it has been confirmed to us that now is the time for me to move on. This being the last year with Isaac before school kicks in has been a big factor, as well as recognising how hard it is for two parents to both be in full time, anti social hours, ministry focused roles in a paid capacity. I'd love to be the one who is able to say 'we managed it!' but the effect on the children, on our marriage and on our sanity is not worth it. It would really be 'just managing' rather than being the fullness of what God has for us. Our priority as parents is to one another and the children - and our commitment in covenant to the Order of Mission has also helped us to process what our vows of 'simplicity, purity and accountability' really mean in this context.
The reality is that, in a year's time, with two children in full time school, the season shifts again. But for now, this season is to be invested in, enjoyed, cherished and offers a foundation for the way we now do family life as we see the ways that God is shaping us and go with that. 

I'm leaving my current job, but I'm in no way leaving youth work or ministry! From the day I came to faith, I've always been involved in youth and children's ministry of some sort or another. During my year out ('96-'97!) when I was discerning the next steps and whether to continue with the plan for University, I sensed a very clear call to youth work as a full time ministry, through a sermon at my home church and confirmation through a letter from a spiritual mentor. It's also given me an expectation - I know what it is to hear God's call and until He says otherwise, I'll stick with it! Alongside that, I'm passionate about enabling longevity in youth ministry in others - having been so fortunate in all my employment to have great supervision, line management, stability and support I want to make sure that is available for others. Sadly, youth work is often the cinderella ministry in our churches and amazingly gifted and servant hearted, creative individuals move on all too soon, because the money runs out, they have damaged with ill treatment or because of unrealistic expectations. I wonder where that passion will take me in the future, but it certainly hasn't gone and I'll be praying about how I can continue to support youth workers without treading on future toes! 

So, as I'm writing this post I'm feeling such a mix of emotions. Looking back on the 27 year old Alice who moved from Newcastle upon Tyne to Essex back in 2006, I am amazed by how much I've learnt, how many people I've met and friends I've made and how far we as a family have come. I have had 2 Bishops for bosses, 4 Area Deans as supervisors, lived in 4 different houses and gone through 4 different cars (and probably done, I reckon, about 7000+ miles a year!), worked with 3 brilliant Youth Advisers plus the wider DYO Network and lost count of the amount of youth workers who have come and gone and stayed (I intend to work out how many before the end of July!)
Obviously, I'm sad to be going and will hugely miss my Youth Advisory Team colleagues and the many friends I have made across the Area and Diocese and beyond. But friendships endure and I'm looking forward to remaining in touch and continuing to support from the wings and in different ways.
Bishop John has already confirmed that he will be seeking to reappoint a Youth Adviser as soon as possible so watch this space for more information about the recruitment process.

It would be dishonest for me to say I'm not daunted by the 'what next'! I'm hugely excited about what might happen but I'm definitely battling my need for plans and fixed structure and going with the flow! I'm looking forward to space, but worried I'll be bored! Above all, I know God is faithful, his promises are good and he's holding out a new and exciting challenge. I've just got to follow.

One Life Conference with Young Leaders programme

National TakeOver Day with Bishop John

Bishop John visits The Hub

Colossians 3:13-17: Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Thanks for getting this far - and for being part of the journey. See you soon.

Pulse 

Standing on the brink....

of a new stage of life!
This morning I waved Andy off on his pre-ordination retreat at Pleshey - 3.5 days of morning and evening prayer, legal oaths, silence, food, cycling (not for everyone) and maybe a trip to the pub.
It's been an incredible journey over the last 5 years or so since this all began (you can read more here and a more recent, less positive post here!).
On Saturday, Mr. Andy Smith will become Rev. Andy Smith in a very special service in Chelmsford. We are being joined from all over the country by people who have been with us on different parts of the journey and have prayed for us, encouraged us, cried with us and laughed with us. There are many others too who can't be with us and I know will be cheering us on, praying and looking forward to social media photographs!
In a month we will pack up St Peter's House here in Hutton and move, just 10 miles up the road to Basildon where Andy will (as from Sunday) be Assistant Curate at St Andrew's and Holy Cross.
We leave behind an amazing community of friends and neighbours here who we never expected to have - we were never meant to live in Hutton! We have also been so blessed by the church families at Emmanuel and Deeper over these 3 years who have welcomed us, challenged us and enabled us to prepare for this next stage.

I haven't blogged properly for so long (the number of tags for Isaac against the ones for Matilda show why my blogging activity may have slowed down!) so it feels a bit odd to pour out too much here but I am incredibly grateful to God for all he has done in our lives these last 3 years. We could never have known how much it would hurt but we would never had understood the depths of his faithfulness and love to us without that. He has held us and stretched us indeed - through all the studying that Andy has done, the youthwork we have led, the people we have met and the stuff we have learnt. About ourselves, about who we are in Christ and about his plans for us. He's never let us down and he won't start now. But I am terrified and excited - the unknown is a hard place for a planner to embark on! I'm only glad that as Andy has been called to be ordained in God's church, so he has also called me to love my husband, to love people, to parent well and to see the church inhabit the places where there is need, particularly amongst young people.

Some thoughts on loss and Mothering Sunday

This is the text of the 'editorial' section of my Crucible newsletter that I send out monthly to people in this Diocese involved in youth and community ministry. It's received a lot of response which I'm grateful for so I'm posting it here too, as a follow up to other posts from the time of our twin miscarriage.

"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade." 
A very apt quote for our current season - I wonder if you know where it's from?

I wonder too how your Lent is going? I asked the question last month "What do you wish to lay hold of this Lent?" - maybe now, a week in, the answer to that question is a little clearer? Whatever you are up to this Lent - fasting, 40acts, Love Life Live Lent, Pilgrim....I'm praying it draws you deeper into the fullness of God's love for you in Jesus and gives you boldness too, as we hold out the word of life to young people.
Perhaps, like me and much of the rest of the country, you have been watching this series of Call the Midwife since January? I've watched it in blocks over this past week, a couple of episodes at a time and been blown away, emotionally, physically, spiritually but just how true to life, sensitive, resonant it is. For some receiving this newsletter, Poplar in the East End may well be familiar territory - our previous Bishop, Laurie Green was Rector there and it's just over the border, still marrying huge wealth and abject poverty under the gaze of Canary Wharf.
Call the Midwife has struck a chord with so many - despite it's beautiful filming and sometimes 'otherworldliness', it has touched on so many raw and real issues which still affect our lives today. Palliative care, adoption, childlessness, dementia, war, sexuality, love, marriage, calling, faith....the list goes on. The community of nuns, nurses, laity who live and work at Nonnatus House demonstrate extended family in a way which helps us to see a glimpse of the early church that Luke describes in Acts 2 or the extended family of Lydia and Cornelius that Peter and Paul encounter as they journey. Sharing everything, breaking bread together, serving the needy, loving and encouraging one another in the purposes they have been called to. Inspiring.
But there is also a huge amount of pain in each episode - not just the pain of childbirth which we expect but the pain of death, loss, relationships, poverty, illness. As we head towards Mothering Sunday on 30th March, it can often become a relief in the fasting and austerity of Lent to celebrate and focus on the loveliness of motherhood - daffs, funny videos (The Mom Song is great), out for lunch. Of course that is right, but this celebration also has a flip side which it can be difficult to know how to respond to appropriately.

Four years ago this March, my husband and I lost twin babies, 12 weeks into pregnancy. Only 2 weeks before, we had been given the news that I was carrying 2 babies and our lives were suddenly spun into a whirlwind of panic, elation, worry, delight and a whole heap of implications for the future. We'd need a new car, would I be able to keep working, how on earth could we afford 2 at once?! The impact was not just on us, but on all our extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles to be, friends who knew how hard a multiple pregnancy could be, those who had been praying for us as we'd struggled to conceive a much longed for 2nd (and now 3rd child!) And then, as soon as we'd begun to get our heads around it, it was all over. Even now, it's painful to remember and yet, in the midst of that pain we saw love in action; food deliveries, supportive emails, childcare help, lifts for checkups and errands, people just coming and being. Extended family kicking in - rallying round. 
I'm so grateful for that as I look back. I'm thankful that in the devastating loss, I had a glimpse of what the body of Christ really is all about and more than anything, I want to see that as part of what we, as the family of God, are known for.
Mothering Sunday can be incredibly hard for many. Family breakdown, unemployment, loss, miscarriage, circumstances not having worked out - all these and more can make Mothering Sunday, parenting, families and relationships within them difficult to make sense of and difficult to deal with. It doesn't mean she shouldn't celebrate or affirm or support mothers, fathers, single parents, carers, grandparents....far from it. But as we celebrate, we must also recognise that many will stay away from church or other events cos it's just too hard. We can't offer solutions but we can offer ourselves, in all our sadness, vulnerability, joy and hope. Be aware of who isn't around on 30th March. Keep in touch, pray, invite, support, love. Be you and be bold.
Let's remember that too as we plan worship or crafts or events to mark the day. Many will not share their story as I have, wont want to. But I hope that in sharing my story it will help us be bold and sacrificial in offering love, support and care to those in need in our families, communities, churches, neighbourhoods - throughout the year.

No one tells you it will be this hard...

[Honest post - maybe best avoided if you are pre-BAP! Or maybe this would be a good reality check. Whichever it is, it's a 'from the gut post' with a few Bible passages tacked on the end. Sorry, but that is how it is right now ;-)  ]

(google images)

Ordination - and the journey towards it - is a rollercoaster. Sounds like a cliche, and it is. But it captures something of the ridiculous topsy turvy and up and down-ness of this season. And it all feels quite vomit inducing at the moment. And that is just me and I am not the one getting ordained, doing the essays, contemplating the change of role, although huge change is a-coming and it's only just starting and it's hitting us all, big time, right now...!

People I meet, around and about in this funny little job I do for the Church of England, seem to assume that we're getting all excited about curacy, about the next season, about finishing training. Yes, Yes and Yes. And No, No, No.
When I suggest that maybe, it's quite stressful or there is an element of uncertainty or that it's having an effect on the kids or me or whatever, there is some expression of surprise. It's a bit like when we first had a baby and we mentioned that it was tiring or hard work or scary - people hadn't previously said too much about what really happened further down the line in case you bottled it. When you first get pregnant, it's all exciting and people get so excited for you. It's the same with the ordination discernment process - everyone is so excited and positive and absolutely certain its' going to be amazing. But they don't tell you about this stage. The moving AGAIN, the crazy workload, the preparations that have to be made or the crazy fears and worries that kick in...
And now that it's happening, Andy is getting ordained, 5 months tomorrow, we're moving house (no address yet but we will be moving!), moving on (from this community where we never planned to live and where we have been so blessed), well, just as with having children - there is no going back now!

Obviously, quitting is not an option - this is God's call. And we're up for it. We're a family on mission. Ordination is a bit of a mystery to be honest but what I do know is that we're all in it, this is a joint journey and God has called us all. But it's also a very isolating experience when I'm looking at schools, making decisions about nursery, thinking about shifting life to another town, albeit just 10 miles up the road. It feels isolating because I am leaving much behind and I don't really know what I'm going into, what we are going into. I'm not doing it on my own obviously but it feels very detached and external right now. Managing a 'project' which is quite task focused at the moment but which eventually is going to become my life.

In a meeting today, someone made the comment about the actual ordination service and how they are not very child friendly - and I wondered how on earth that was going to feel and how I will manage that. Am I going to be elsewhere at that 'big moment' ensuring that my two year old doesn't disrupt proceedings? And how on earth I'm going to arrive looking half decent (let alone keep the toddler clean or quiet?!) for the service itself when Andy will have been away for the previous few days 'preparing' on silent retreat? I'm hoping I get to go on silent retreat soon after to recover! Not very family friendly at all. No one tells you this bit...

1 Timothy 4:12 is a life scripture for me, and this I return to. And in all the uncertainty, I'm ramping up the retreat time (2 days booked at Abbotswick earlier), the evenings of focused prayer and worship with friends in my missional community and ensuring there is a bit more space in my life than normal to enable me to face this with all the goodness and grace that God has ploughed into me.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....

Grandad

I'm sitting at home in my lounge, kids fed, bathed and in bed and watching an old episode of 24 hours in A&E. And as I sit here, watching the stories unfold, I'm remembering being by a hospital bed only a few short days ago and saying goodbye to my Grandad. After 6 years of extra time, post diagnosis of cancer, he was clearly in his final days or hours and my mum and I were sitting by his bedside, chatting to him and to each other although he wasn't conscious and his eyes were unseeing.

My parents had taken the phone call earlier on Bank Holiday Monday evening to say he was on his way to hospital at the insistence of the Carers who came 4 times each day. They had first been concerned on Sunday and the GP had visited in the early hours of Monday. My dad met my Grandma at the hospital and stayed a few hours. When he returned home, Grandad was sleeping quite peacefully, but by the time my mum and I arrived, prompted by a phone call to say Grandad's blood gas results were very poor, he had deteriorated quite rapidly.  In the end, he lasted another 12 hours before passing away around 4pm Tuesday, just after Grandma and my mum and dad had been in to say their final goodbyes.

I began writing this postt about 4 months ago, when Grandad was admitted to the Phyllis Tuckwell Hospice in Farnham, receiving end of life care. It's 6 years since he was first diagnosed with the carcinoma tumor near his kidney and I remember being sat down at my parents home in Surrey to be given the news by my dad after diagnosis had been confirmed at the Royal Marsden Hospital.

At that point we had no idea what it would mean and I suppose I assumed that this was it, never imagining that we'd have so much more time with him. Since then we've gone through a few near misses, with chest infections, hospital admissions for stomach problems, fractures after a fall and various infections giving cause for alarm and palliative care in various forms. So right now I feel very fortunate that he stuck around as long as he did and I hope we've made the most of that.

This post is just a way to make sense of some of my thoughts, which always come thick and fast when you face losing someone, and now that he has gone, I want to write them down for my own benefit, for the benefit of Matilda and Isaac and also to pay tribute to a wonderful man who has always been supportive, interested and just delightful to be around.

In no particular order, here are some of my memories and thoughts:

Playing the boat game in bed at G&G's when we used to stay over. Grandad would be sitting up in bed with the duvet over his knees and me and Ellie would sit in between his legs and he would rock us side to side until inevitably, one of us would fall off! It was always a highlight of staying at Windermere Way to be in G&G's bed. 

Ice cream - Vienetta, massive tubs of Neapolitan or Vanilla with every pudding. We'd always have an ice cream on a day out too. Matilda has taken on that legacy with gusto!

Doughnuts & milk shakes at Forest Lodge on a Saturday morning. Are you seeing the sweet tooth theme here?! 

20p's by our bedside as pocket money - £1 per week so the piles of money would vary in size depending on when we'd last seen G&G. I always spent mine quickly, Ellie would save more frugally!

Playing shops in the study, flour and rice and scales. Using the desk paper pad (green leather) for scribbling, adding up, folding....

Cartons of juice, cans of pop in the garage. We never got Lilt anywhere else!

As we got older, the time with Grandad and Grandma changed but was always fun, interesting and generous.
In 1998, they visited me at University in Leeds - coming for a weekend in my first year, sitting in the parlour at Charles Morris Hall with my flat mates and inviting various people to join us for meals over the course of the weekend. They just absorbed everything I was doing, loved meeting people and being given a tour. I took them to the Royal Armouries in Leeds and to the Jazz Cat cafe for dinner.

They also visited in my 3rd year along with my parents and came to see me in a Revelation Choir concert where I sang a solo. They popped in to see me on their way home the following morning and I'll never know whether they realised how hung over I was! 

Later on, after I was married, they came even further north to visit Andy and I in Gateshead - we took them to Cragside National Trust, Beamish, all the Quayside attractions and a fantastic lobster meal!

The arrival of great grandchildren also coincided with both Grandma and Grandad becoming more elderly, struggling with stairs particularly. They enjoyed coming to Heybridge on a couple of occasions when Matilda was little and I remember Grandad being a little startled on the landing in the night when I was feeding Matilda in the rocking chair in her room with the door open! As Matilda grew up, she adopted her own name for them - Big Grandma and Big Grandad.

Alongside all these events, activities, visits, there was just a consistency to Grandad and Grandma's approach. They always encouraged us both to do well, to do our best and to succeed in all ways. Financial reward was often a carrot, but always alongside a wider interest too, in subjects, my opinions, what I was reading, where I had travelled. One of Grandad's phrases which I always giggle at is "going back to..." if we'd moved on too quickly from a subject he found interesting or didn't want to finish discussing!

Grandad was so interested in people - he would always enjoy chatting to my friends when I was at home and they would cross paths. He always remember details and ask after them weeks later. I always remember how delighted he was when my friend Yousef from Uni finally passed his medical exams!

I am sad to be writing this post, but I am relieved for Grandad, that he is no longer in pain and that we are able to look back on a life well lived. A fantastic legacy has been left to us - both in generations of people and in the character and values he has passed to us. He and Grandma epitomise what marriage is all about - journeying together through tragedy, heartache, every challenge and opportunity being something to embrace and learn from. I hope that we can have half as good a marriage as they have.

I miss him but am so grateful for him, so grateful that both my children got to meet him, particularly that Matilda will remember him as time goes on. I remember my Grandad - outgoing, supportive, fun, determined, loving. My Grandad.

At his funeral on 10th September, I am reciting a poem by Joyce Grenfell:

If I should go before the rest of you

Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone

Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice

But be the usual selves that I have known

Weep if you must

Parting is hell

But life goes on

So sing as well.

Rest in Peace Grandad. I love you.

DYO Conference

Spent part of this week at the National DYO Conference, with colleagues from other Dioceses doing similar jobs to me. Having said that, sometimes the only similarity is the word 'youth' in the job title but so great to hear about the ways churches, communities, projects and workers are drawing alongside young people and impacting school particularly. Some excellent, thought provoking presentations from Graeme Codrington from Tomorrow Today around generational theory and predicting future trends in technology, demographics, environments, culture and relationships which will massively effect the way we understand young people and the way we do youth work. Great stuff.

Late last week, one of our friends from the Friday Mums group had given birth to her third baby, a boy, at home, 9lb 1oz. On Sunday night, before I went away I heard that he had been admitted to hospital with suspected meningitis and was very poorly. Thank God he is now out of hospital, on the mend, having had millions of tests, lumbar punctures, drips of antibiotics and glucose and much trauma. 

Since I've been back, I've been thinking a lot about community...what that means for us as a family in the here and now. Its different to what we have experienced before. Being back with a bunch of DYO's again was lovely, made me realise that I am properly back at work, 11 months in. But really, aside from a few of the people who I see most often from my region and some others who I have spent time with in previous years, it's a community of acquaintances, brought together because of a similar role. I enjoy my time with them, respect hugely the influence and experience they bring but it's not a community.

Contrasting that with a sense of being very much 'away' from my community here at home while there was a crisis going on. Personally, I discovered the huge comfort and power of prayer when words just don't make sense or cover the need. I also had a realisation of primacy of Gods call to make disciples and live alongside people. My calling is much wider than just youth ministry although that is where my passion lies. But I think I'm gaining a greater understanding of the Temple and Home continuum that Mike Breen and others have taught on. For me at the moment, my Temple base is our church worshiping venue, the place where we do youth work and those we are working with while Andy is training. And wonderful they are too. Home is where we have ended up living, where the kids are building community with friends and families and we're seeing people asking questions about our faith, people who don't care what our role is and who we can eat, talk, cry and pray with vulnerability. 

With Pentecost being celebrated this week, the scriptures in Acts 2 seem to hold this continuum in focus - the disciples gathering together, under the apostles teaching, sharing everything, praying and supporting. It's been amazing to see that happening, amongst mature Christian, new believers, those on the fringes this week. In a situation where there was pain, panic, uncertainty, fear, people rallied round and prayer became a dynamic conversation.The chapel nights we have started doing recently had a massive attendance on Tuesday. The light of the Kingdom, right there...

a busy, up and down January...

Anyone stumbling onto the blog in the last few weeks will see that my December Daily posts stalled on 8th December. I don't think I even had a chance to think about them after that date. Looking back, I realise that was probably when I started to lose a sense of reality a bit. The first snuffly cold of the winter (first since Isaac's arrival too) set in, leaving me streaming and struggling to feed Isaac and blow my nose simultaneously!
In amongst 5th birthday preparations and other big events like Christmas, I never really stopped from that point on which was not a good place to be...
However, Christmas and New Year were lovely - a good mix of busyness which is to be expected as a church employee and time at home with friends and family. We had visitors for Christmas Day and my parents stayed from 26-28th December and then we headed to Northumberland on 29th to see the Smith side.
The travelling, late nights and not enough fruit and veg all took it's toll unfortunately and after returning from being with family at New Year, I had a week where I gradually felt worse and worse - sore throat, crazy tiredness - and after 2 months of no problems at all,  breastfeeding suddenly became more difficult with a cracked nipple (oh. so. painful). I knew I was run down but it only felt like a bit of something rather than anything too serious.
Anyway, once the breastfeeding pain had been going on for a few days, I headed to an out of hours doctor one Saturday morning who prescribed various creams and medicine for me and Isaac, diagnosing thrush. He also suggested that he'd be prescribing bed rest if I didn't have another child at home because I obviously wasn't shifting a virus or something. When Isaac's paediatrician said the same thing at our hospital check up 2 days later, Andy put his foot down and forced me to solely sleep, feed myself and feed Isaac for the next 2 days. It certainly made a big difference to my capacity to be rational about life, which had been going a bit awry! It also helped big time with the quality of my milk and although I now (a week later) have ANOTHER cold, I am definitely a bit more myself.

Throughout all of this up and down time, Isaac has been doing really well. He's still a tiddler at only 10lbs at 14 weeks old, which is partly why the paed wanted me to focus on getting well as she thinks his weight will do a sudden leap at some point to catch up with his length! So, I need to be ready for that obviously! He still sleeps really well, 7-10pm and then dream feed through to 7am.

Matilda has had a run of colds and coughs and such like, never enough to be off school but enough to make her grumpy after school. I'm glad we don't have any after school stuff like swimming at the moment...it would be a running battle I think. She's been put into a stream at school for her literacy and numeracy for those who are more able or who need stretching so she also has a little more homework to do for that. Alongside her dancing school show on Sunday with a full afternoon of rehearsals the previous 2 weekends, it's been a busy January already.
Andy turned the big 3-1 last week, which kinda got lost in the bed rest and stuff...but he made his own birthday muffins which were delicious (better than I would have made anyway!) and got enough gift money to buy a bazouki which he's been looking at for a while! It's not yet arrived but I'm sure once it does we'll be losing him to his study/music room a bit more!
So it's back into some semblance of routine. Isaac usually has 2 big feeds first thing in the morning before school which then leads into a good morning nap so I can get up, dressed, ready and get some jobs done round the house. He has another nap after his lunch feed but is usually then awake for once Matilda comes home from school until bath time at 6pm. 3-6pm is a crazy time of the day but lovely cos we're usually all around at home and doing various bits and pieces. I'm trying to get to some baby groups locally but with being poorly it hasn't happened yet. It's a big thing - even someone as supposedly 'confident' as me finds it hard to walk in cold to a new group of people, even if we do have something significant in common. But I will try my hardest before the end of January to take the plunge, just for my own sanity!

December Daily - Day Three and Day Four

This weekend was our Christmas with the Hodson side of the family...my sister goes to New York on 22nd December for 10 days so it's a bit different to normal when we all congregate in Surrey at some point in the festive season.
My sister Ellie, husband Ollie and Freddie arrived here mid morning on Saturday. I had been up and out at Tesco's by 6.30am which was a good move - well stocked shelves and tills were open which they aren't always when you shop at night. We weren't going for a big Christmas dinner - just a Mexican spread on Saturday night and Jamie Oliver's beef stew (from Jamie's Dinners) on Sunday lunchtime. So the shopping was minimal.
Chelsea were playing Newcastle - couldn't have planned it better if we'd tried! So the boys went off to the pub and a few pints and Ellie and I took the kids to Barleylands for a wander. They had a baby market running with cakes, Santa and face painting so that went down well!
Heading back home in time for another feed for Isaac and the arrival of my mum who got here just in time for Matilda's tea and all the kids being bathed and sorted for bed. Once that was done we could get on with the serious business of the evening - food, Secret Santa pressies and Lee Evans on DVD!

It was a great night, relaxed and fun, and a great start to the festive season! In fact, I thought we should pretend that one of us was going away for Christmas every year as an excuse to get the party started!!

Sunday was a busy one for Andy especially, after a week of late nights with essay writing, labyrinth prep and festivities last night. He headed off to church around 8.30am and the rest of us relaxed at home, walking into Shenfield later on for a coffee before returning home to have lunch by which time Andy was back too. We exchanged gifts for the kids - Matilda was very pleased with a Sylvanian families car and Meerkat family as well as a new dressing gown. Freddie was all kitted out for his trip to NYC with a snow suit and an etch a sketch to keep him occupied on the plane!

As always with Christmas, it was over too soon - but looking forward to hearing all about Ellie and Ollie and Freddie's travels in NYC and hoping they get some snow and get to ice skate at Rockerfeller!

Made today in Smith Kitchens...

Korean Beef from this blogpost
http://elizabethbryant.blogspot.com/2010/05/korean-beef.html
This quantity is good for 2 people if you serve with just rice and small veg side. It could be stretched further with more red/yellow/green peppers added and with more sides like pak choi, asparagus or broccoli.

Turkey Meatloaf from this recipe
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ellie-krieger/moms-turkey-meatloaf-recipe/index.html
This recipe suggests using a big baking dish and forming the shape of the meatloaf within it. I think our mince is different to American ground meat and is a bit wetter so I used a 2lb loaf tin, well oiled and still put the tomatoes and onions over it. It fitted perfectly.

Also doing a Roast Chicken, with chipotle style crust which we'll have a bit of cold tomorrow and I'll shred and freeze the rest to have ready for Quesadillas, curries, salads etc. Then use the carcass to make some stock for soups and a Chilli/Bean/Chicken thing that I have in mind but need to find the recipe for.

House is smelling good and after doing a massive (£245 worth) shop this morning with 3 kids (only 1 was ours!), husband and bump in tow, I'm pretty pooped!

moving on and moving out...

We're in the midst of packing and sorting and clearing and causing our own brand of chaos...we move in 10 days to Billericay. Having had the boxes delivered on Monday evening, we've now had 2 very full days of packing, both here and at my office and we're a bit fed up and hot and bothered so I've retreated upstairs while Andy catches up on Smallville.
Although I say we move to Billericay, we'll actually be living in Hutton, in a rented property because our house purchase fell through in mid July. It was an incredibly frustrating time, considering we had got so far down the road and were almost at the point of exchanging contracts. But our vendors were not very honest with us and chose to only 'fess up that they hadn't anywhere to go on 11th July...by which time our hopes of finding another house to buy were pretty remote. It did feel as though things were all falling apart very quickly; we'd sold our house in April and everything had been progressing without a hitch since then. So we chose to still sell as our buyer was secure and ready to move and take a risk on finding a rental property...which initially meant we were going to be homeless as we couldn't afford anything!! But we've ended up with more space and a long term rental through my job which is a great blessing and we hope to be able to buy an investment flat or something similar (camper van?!) in due time.
It's been a pretty stressful time all in all - with some amazing glimpses of the hope that is before us. It's been challenging to focus all the time on WHY we are doing this and not just the stupidity, cost and sheer exhaustion of it!
The next few months hold some massive milestones - moving being the first one and one which will take a while to recover from probably! Next Andy and Matilda head to Greenbelt for a long weekend, just the two of them before they both start in education on 12th September and Matilda becomes our eldest child sometime in September/October!
Andy and Matilda will both 'go to school' on 12th - Matilda to infant school which she is VERY excited about. Andy on the other hand will be on a train to London, (South Kensington to be precise) to start at Vicar Factory at St Paul's Theological Centre - he'll be there every Monday in University terms, plus 7 weekends and 2 residential weeks each year. Another 3 days will be in placement at the church in Billericay where we will worship as a family and he'll have a day of private study too.
My maternity leave starts on 15th September and with all the busyness of Falcon Afloat last week, alongside a very busy July generally, I shall certainly be ready for it! At the moment I'm planning to be back at work in April 2012 but am going to be flexible with that and just enjoying being at home, doing the school run and being a Mummy 5 years after this all began with Matilda!

So hopefully, I might have more time for blogging but for August, you'll certainly have to bear with us and maybe we'll get back to more reflective and regular service in September. But then again, I may have my hands full!

Knoxville Tennessee

A few people have asked when I'm going to post about my recent trip...and I've only just had a spare minute after my return to blog about it.

This week has been crazy, as much as last week was calm and serene and wonderful. I appreciate the former because of the latter.

The details of each day are not exciting - Emily, Jack and I spent our days around the routine of 5 week old Madeleine and that made it all very gentle. Jack had a quiet week, pastoring-wise, so he was able to have later mornings and be home for dinner. Emily and I walked each morning round the park for 2 miles, before the heat of the day and by the time we had done that and then showered and fed Madeleine again (well. Emily did!) it was time for lunch!!

We went to an Andrew Peterson concert on Tuesday night which was awesome...and we have bought 2 of his albums since.
I had a scrapbooking class at Scrappin' in the City which is an amazing boutique/shop/community/workshop where I made a birthday book in 2.5 hours...I was very pleased with myself!

Emily and I had lots of time to chat, read and chill, with a bit of extended shopping on Friday which was a lot of fun! We also saw our mutual friends for lunch at Tomato Head - and I consumed a yummy Southwestern Salad...really craving those now we are truly in autumnal weather here in England!

It was really lovely to be around with Emily and Madeleine and Jack for lots of firsts - first bath without crying, M's first trip to Target (in fact, to any shop!), first nap in her cot...

 So it was pretty bittersweet when I had to leave. The trip and time away had been what I needed it to be - space for reflection, time out of the normality of life and a chance to make new and good memories of this time of year when our babies would have been due. In so many ways it exceeded my expectations and it was wonderful to be subsumed into a family and to be able to look after them as they cared for me. It was a special trip and one which I shall never forget and I'm grateful to Andy for releasing me to do it.

And it is wonderful to be home...I was met at the airport with a 'MUMMY' homemade sign and I worked 30 hours in 3 days this week to allow me to have Friday off as normal with Matilda, which was so great.


So as September fades away and October begins with all it's autumnal colours and wintry skies, I feel a bit of sunshine in my life and the love and prayers of wonderful friends who gave up precious time with their daughter to allow me to come and be. Thank you, Emily, Jack and Madeleine and we can't wait to host you...next year, fingers crossed.

Ta ta for now...

Bank Holiday, birthday and baby pictures

We had a great weekend in Surrey, celebrating my dad's 60th birthday and meeting our new nephew Freddie. Here are some pics:

Just born - Frederick Peter Lane

scrummy

Proud cousin meeting Freddie

any excuse for champagne!

a birthday cuddle for Papa

Daddy Ollie and my mum, known now as Didi

up a bit, down a bit...

meeting Freddie...he did stop crying!

my beautiful sister and beautiful nephew

My dad opening his gifts and cards

dancing in the garden with the party dress girl!

the final layouts

For the last few weeks, my non-work and non-childcare time has been taken up with completing a very special album.

My darling Daddy turns 60 on Tuesday and he has been quite certain that he didn't want any sort of fuss. Over the last few months, my sister and I ummed and aaahhhed about what we could do to mark it for him without the traditional party. When we were kids he would retreat to the loft during our birthday parties and I remember once my mum pulling off a surprise party (his 40th I think) but other than that, parties aren't really his thing.

The story of this album begins about 9 months ago when my Grandma presented my dad with a slip in album of photos of their family - Treadwell side (Grandma's maiden name) and Hodson side (my family name). As I've got into scrapbooking, I've realised that alongside the creative, beautiful and design side of the hobby is the very practical need to preserve photos and mementos of the past for future generations.
So I hatched the idea of putting together an album of beautiful layouts, presenting the photos that Grandma had already collated for me in an order and a style suitable for future children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

And this afternoon, I finally finished it!! I'll be giving it to Pops (as we affectionately call him) on Sunday so I've scheduled this post to go out later that day so no-one gets a sneak peek before him!

Title/Intro page

Starting with the Treadwell side (my paternal Grandmother's side)

My Grandma in her childhood as an evacuee and with her sisters and family

Onto the Hodsons, my paternal Grandfather's side

My Grandfather in his childhood

Grandma and Grandad in their single days and wedding day

My dad in his baby and childhood days

My dad and his late brother

My paternal great-grandparents Ruby Wedding and my grandparents Ruby Wedding

Some more recent pictures of Grandma and Grandad with my dad and at their Diamond wedding

I think this is my favourite layout...I love this picture of my dad sailing and my journalling for this page is below

Hodsons, Smiths and Lanes at my mum's 60th in June

As my first full album, I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. I enjoyed the space and creative juices and it was good to have the photos chosen and the theme in place. I learnt a lot of techniques, trial and error but no major mistakes or errors! Nothing was thrown away apart from the usual scraps!

So, hope he likes it! I'll post photos of the weekend next week!! Thanks for stopping by.